Death at their doorsteps

Two people are likely to take their own lives tonight. If one of them does it may be my fault for accidentally putting the idea in her head. If either of them do...I don't know. This must be why I was so anxious last night. I feel sick.

No Choice But to Keep Recovering

I just realised that if I started cutting I wouldn't be able to hide it from my flatmates. The one time I told one of my flatmates that I'd self harmed was when a burn I'd inflicted recently was stinging and hot to the touch and the skin was hot and inflamed and I needed advice. She went off and told her partner, the head tenant, and he lectured me. How the fuck would he react if I started cutting? I can't. I need to self harm but Goddess damn it I want this tattoo more!

Pieces of Me

I recently decided to make a Butterfly Project group, because the one I joined was deleted by the asshole head admin. I'm NOT an admin, I'm a mod, I just run quality control and weed out the things like reposts, trolls, and inappropriate/triggering posts. But whenever someone needs help, I feel like I have to help them out. Seeing the posts makes me feel like I have to, even though it'll take a piece of myself to do it - and I can't help but think that it'll go to waste. I have no more to give, and the pieces of myself that go to some of these people get left behind and forgotten after a couple hours, they cease to mean anything.

I honestly thought I was over this saviour complex bullshit, but apparently not. I can't save these people. I can't even get up some days. I hate how obligated I feel. I don't know what to do, it hurts to ignore them. I'm still not self harming but damn I'm close to a relapse. I want to see the cuts and scars, I see them as beautiful for some warped reason. I want my arms to be striped with these scars, so my outside can match my inside. My arms would be so fucking beautiful with the scars. But I know I can't, I can't do that to everyone else. When I see pictures of people with scars, they're beautiful to me, but I'm disgusted by the gaping wounds, and I know I'd get to that point quickly. I'm sick. I'm fucking sick, and I know it, and I can't stop it. I need help :/

Savior

Back to sacrificing myself for others. Why does this feel like home? No more putting myself first, no more being selfish and ignoring posts and cries for help. I will comment and I will do my best to help everyone, no matter what. I don't matter nearly as much as them and if by ignoring myself I save someone's life, then it's a fair trade-off.

I want to cry.

Boyfriend: How are you?
Me: Hungry. Twiiiiiistiiiiieeees :D
Boyfriend: No. With the pre-release this weekend I can't spare the money.


Apparently a fucking Magic: the Gathering event is more important than me. And now he's in a shitty mood and it's my fucking fault. He got really angry with me because I was teasing him by swinging his headphones back and forth where he couldn't get them, earlier. Yay.

I feel like a child. In a bad way.

I just tried to convince my friend to stop resisting food like she is. She's hungry and there's leftover pizza but she's avoiding it. I told her she isn't to follow my example, that I wouldn't let her, and she laughed at me and said, "Won't let me? Do you plan to come into my room and tie me up? Sorry, it's just the way you said 'won't let' me. I have an excuse for this. I'm 90 kilos"

"Following my example will only end in you developing an eating disorder, and you're probably fucking borderline as it is!"

Another laugh. "What?"

"If you make one more fucking comment about your weight..."

"Well it's true!"

"I don't care! Just because I'm stuck in this doesn't mean you have to be."

Her only response was to look at me kind of strangely, almost pityingly too.

I feel like a child, like I'm being patronised and laughed at for saying something silly, but I'm genuinely worried. She's had days where she skips dinner because she can't face logging it on myfitnesspal. Not in ages but still. I don't want to make this seem bigger than it is but I'm concerned and pissed off because I hate being laughed at. I'm really triggered as well :/ She apologised, and I think she meant it (for depressing me at least) but I don't think this is going to change...help, I really don't want her to follow me, I'm a bad bad example.

Never Again

Well! I feel like shit. Yay for being laughed at. I'm never ever doing that again because the responses I got were quite frankly immature. I will not, for any reason, go skinny dipping in public. I am not at all comfortable with that. I will also not eat dog shit or run around naked. I was hoping for slightly silly, maybe interesting ideas, but instead I get told to expose myself in a way I'm entirely uncomfortable with, and risk my health, all because of some likes. And to make matters worse, when I said I wasn't going to skinny dip, I was told, "10 likes and you have to." Well, actually, no. No, I don't. Hence I'm not putting that up again until I can see that people have grown up. But if what Michael said is anything to go by, that'll never happen and I'm a fool for waiting for it. I already knew I was a fool though, I'm well aware of my lack of intelligence. Sigh. This sucks.