Bad day number umpteen thousand

I got this on my Timeline today, in the comments thread for a random link.

Here's what they were talking about:

and here is the conversation Adele, TB, L and I had on Maxie's msn account:

This was yesterday, and I thought it was all sorted, then today I got the comments on my Timeline that I put above. What the fuck am I meant to do? I posted this:

I just hope the whole thing blows over, or I may end up losing several friends (all of Cloverfields). And I'm starting to see huge flaws in the things I wrote, which are going to get me yelled at. This, I think, is only going to get worse, and I'm not looking forward to it. 

Open Mind

I just had a really nice, intellectual conversation with a friend about the schooling system, and now my brain has gone into sponge mode, it wants to have more of these conversations, it want to share what it knows and learn more, but there's nobody around for me to have them with so I'm trying to numb my brain with Facebook games and random funny pictures so I can stop agonising.

I don't want to be me.

Being me hurts.

Tired and Miserable

It's 1:24pm
I haven't yet slept
I've been up since 7pm yesterday
I can't go to bed because I have to be ready at 5:30pm to have dinner with my cousin at 6pm
I am tired and miserable
I feel sick
I want to hurt myself then curl up in a ball and sleep
Why do I do this to myself?

Wtf?

I feel shitty and I don't know why =(

Razors

Damn it. My friend just went to have a shower, and I was concerned about her being in there because there were razors. I was right to be worried. She cut herself while she was in there. Fanfuckingtastic. And even though I want this day to just be over, I have to do the dishes. Nobody else will do them, especially Cato, so I have to.

I don't want to be here.

I Tried

Boyfriend is trying to watch Teen Titans next to me. I want to watch Elfen Lied. I've tried twice now to ask my friends and flatmates to shut up and stop yelling so we can watch our shows in peace, and they say "ok, sorry" and are quiet for a moment and then they start again. They start shouting and laughing and screaming at each other all over again. I've just given up on trying to shut them up and am just waiting for them to start leaving the room because fuck it.

Overwhelmed!

Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!

Two friends are suicidal, they're both in the same room as me, I'm overwhelmed and triggered to self harm and I don't know what to do. I don't know how to help people anymore. I'm so worried for them and panicky and I just want to curl up and hide.

Inadequate

Petra Asked Alexandria > The Squirrel Crew!
thinking about cutting... all i get from people is "your not skinny enuff"
DO YOU WANT ME TOO STOP EATING CAUSE IM SO FUCKING CLOSE MAN!!!! :'(

^ that post has really brought my old feelings of inadequacy back to the surface. Fuck.

I was actually feeling kinda good, albeit really tired, and now - boom.

She's ok, but I feel like crap. My 600 gram (21.1643772 ounces) weight loss this week isn't enough. My few days of starving and partial fasts isn't enough. I need to get back into wearing makeup every day, and getting dressed every day, and not eating. I need to stop fart assing around if I want to be good enough.



Why can't I feel good enough? I need to call my counsellor =(