Here we go

Well, feeling like shit because today is the kind of day where I say all the wrong things and get snapped at (I deserved it), and now the possible (probable) suicide or attempted suicide of a friend. And I can't do anything about it. So I have to sit here, watching Facebook carefully, praying that she won't die tonight, praying that my other friend who's down will be ok, praying that I don't relapse, no matter how strong the urges are right now. Fuck, I haven't had urges this strong in a long time. I want to throw up everything I've eaten, scratch my wrists until they bleed, and shut down. Communication is getting me nowhere today. Bliss is back, again, so that's me out of recovery. I don't know how I can solve this, we're over our cap so I can't go watch MLP until I feel better. Maybe Digimon or something. I don't know.

Every time I look over at her and see how miserable she is I feel even worse, because I feel like I should help, but there's nothing I can do. She's left now and I still feel fucking terrible, like I caused it.

AGH I want a relapse! I want day zero, but I have a goal and I haven't reached it, I can't go to day zero. 154/365 days. 5.098564733538802/12 months. I have to reach this goal, but fucking hell it's hard. This is frustrating.

Why am I even typing this shit? I think maybe one person ever reads this, and it's just going to make her feel bad. It doesn't solve anything, and it's all just pointless whining anyway, a friend might be dead or dying, and here's me, whining and complaining about nothing? I deserve what I get, this is fucking ridiculous.