Help...

I feel mute. A friend is developing bulimia and I can't stop her. She asked me not to tell her girlfriend and I'm now bound to not tell. Stupid fucking social anxiety. She's getting angry with me for trying to help, really angry, and I want to start screaming at her but she lives in the US. I want to hit myself, scratch myself, bite myself, but I can't, I have to stay clean for six and a half more hours. I need help so badly. I have to do something...but I can't...help me, please, I don't know what to do!

Relaaaaaaaax

I have a bunch of people forming a team in the Butterfly Project, which is taking a LOT of stress off me. Yay!

I went over my calorie limit again, but with a little luck I'll get some exercise in tomorrow.

I feel like nothing today, nobody. The worthless, inadequate mistake of a daughter who ruins days by being around. Not sure why, but I'm just feeling completely unwanted, except by Sam. Even though I realised just how many people care about me today, I still feel worthless. It sucks. I'm staying clean today, though, because it's self injury awareness day.

Fanfuckingtastic

So. It seems I have a savior complex. Yet another thing to add to my growing list.

• Depression
• Possible Schizophrenia
• Social Anxiety
• Savior Complex
• Attention Seeking
• ED-NOS
• Possible Cyclothymia
• Dyspraxia
• Dysgraphia

I'm a psychological mess, and it's only getting worse.

Here's a copypasted article about Savior Complexes:

Here’s a fairytale gone badly, as it sometimes happens in real life: There was once a little girl who believed that all good things will come to her if she is really nice and always helps other people.

She was always there for her aging parents; she even refused a dream job because it was in another town and she didn’t want to move too far from her parents. She would always help her friends, lend them money, give them advice and get them out of trouble.

Her colleagues at work could always rely on her and she would often get behind on her projects to give them a hand with theirs. She also had this affinity towards guys with serious problems (jobless, alcohol abusing, emotionally imbalanced), the kind of guys that desperately needed help.

After about ten years of doing this, she felt miserably. She wasn’t getting the love, appreciation and recognition she wanted, most people had started taking all her help for granted, her life did not look the way she’d hoped it would.

When I discussed with her in our first communication coaching session, focused on identifying the key people skills to improve, after about 15 minutes of conversation, bells started ringing in my head going: “Savior complex full throttle!”

What Is The Savior Complex?

The savior complex is a psychological construct which makes a person feel the need to save other people. This person has a strong tendency to seek people who desperately need help and to assist them, often sacrificing their own needs for these people.

There are many sides to a savior complex and it has many roots. One of its fundamental roots, in my experience, consists in a limiting belief the savior person has that goes something like this:

“If I always help people in need, I will get their love and approval, and have a happy life.”

This is of course, a nice sounding fairytale.

Houston We Have a Problem

Often, in real life, a savior will have such an unassertive way of helping others that instead of becoming grateful, they get used to it and they expect it. They feel entitled to receive help from this person, simply because they need it and they’ve always got it.

On top of this, always putting other people’s needs first makes a savior not take care of their own needs. So while they may feel happy because they are helping others, at some level, they feel bitter and frustrated at the same time.

Reframing Nobility

Here’s where things get worse: many people with a savior complex I’ve met, although they realize at some point that they have a savior complex and it is not worth it for them, they will not try to combat it.

They’re not masochistic; they have another belief that even if being a savior will not get them the recognition they want and will not make them happy, it is the noble thing to do. They believe they are somehow better then others because they help people all the time without getting anything back.

Do you have any idea how dim-witted this is? There is nothing noble in sacrificing yourself for others while you are starving at a psychological level. If our ancestors would have willingly done so 50.000 years ago, our species would be extinct.

If you think you have a savior complex or at least something close to it, I believe the best thing you can do is to face up to the practical consequences in has in your life. Being a savior is neither noble nor practical.

Learn to give and to ask for what you want, to help and to be helped. This is the healthy way to use your people skills and to interact with others.

[From http://www.peopleskillsdecoded.com/savior-complex/]

So yeah. I don't believe I'm better. I believe I'm unimportant and worthless. Other than that? Yeah. All of it. Fucking hell I need help.

Tired

Omg. How am I so tired? I've only been up for three hours. Didn't get the promised ice cream or lollies today, but lollies are happening tomorrow - I'd better be careful about what I eat!

Feeling really triggered, like I've been accused. Last night, I posted a status about my friend that was talking about suicide (she's alive by the way), and I just got a comment from my cousin on it, saying "You should not put this kind of information on Facebook I does not help the person involved."

In that one sentence she implied that I am a bad friend (I already knew that of course), that I'm not helping my friend at all, and that I am sharing her plight with the public without thinking about how she'd feel. My good mood is just gone.

Oh, look, another reply.


Me: neither she nor her mum can see this post, and I put it up to update and inform those who needed to know what was happening.
She's alive, by the way.
My Cousin: But how is she going to feel of she finds out about it? She may feel ashamed or hurt which could make things worse. Txt those people or private message them. Glad she is alive.


Intake:
5 glasses So Good @ 475cal
3 packets 2 Minute Noodles @ 684cal
Half a bag of Milk Shake Toffees @ 399cal

I'm exhausted.

Stunned

Me: I'm going to bed now. Good night beautiful. Sarah: goodnight and thanks Me: What for? Sarah: for everything silly Me: I can't think of anything you need to thank me for I'm just showing you I give a shit Sarah: if it wernt for you being here, after what happened the last few months i probably would have done myself over by now "im just showing you i give a shit" and do you think theres anyone else in my life who does that??? now get some sleep, /me hugs rik

Wow. Can I really be that important to someone, that I've saved their life by being nearby? This may overturn my beliefs of being worthless. I'm just stunned. Wow. This is...I have no words.

for fuck's sake

I am extremely confused by this whole "beauty is skin deep thing". Of course it's fucking skin deep, but it appeals to something deeper than the skin. Do you tell people "it's only on the surface" when they admire a beautiful piece of art? No, you don't, so why tell people "beauty is skin deep" when they're admiring beautiful people? I do believe we generally say "can I look like him/her/xyr/thon??" rather than "can I be". What if I happen to admire a beautiful woman as a piece of art, as I would a painting?

It actually annoys me that people go on about beauty being skin deep. It doesn't matter, insecurity is soul deep.

On another note, I am very pissed off. Because of THIS. *rage*. The OP was me. As is "Rik de Lioncourt"

What the actual fuck? I know there's gonna be people in life you just clash with but she triggers me beyond belief, from one comment. I had just gotten rid of one person who was doing that, and now this Rebecca chick?? Kinda wanna block her but that's a little immature. I wish she'd just piss off and stop commenting on my posts before I lash out. I dunno. Am I overreacting? Probably.

New plan

As soon as this cold has passed and I'm off the antibiotics here's the plan:

• One meal a day, with one large snack allowed (noodles, Easy Mac, Milkshake Toffees and Pringles, etc)
• At least 30 minutes of exercise per day, preferably 60 or more.
• No more of this leaving the house without makeup crap. Nobody wants to see my ugly mug. And I'm starting to feel exposed without it.
• When I get up, and I'm actually up, I'm gonna be getting dressed. No more of this lounging around in my robe with unbrushed hair bullshit.
• Weigh in Wednesday is going to be a thing. Every Wednesday. Without fail.
• Going to start taking potassium tablets in order to reach my potassium intake goal without the calories.

That's my plan, and I'mma stick to it. I'm also going to fill my photo album with thinspiration and beautiful people.