Pathetic.

I am so triggered right now...I just feel like shit. A very good friend of mine is fucking herself up with drugs as a form of self harm. Another seriously good friend who I have a squish (a non-romantic crush) on is so low that she can't see herself getting any lower. I'm afraid she's going to start self harming again or worse. I want to curl up in a ball and cry but for some reason I just can't.

I'm feeling really pathetic because I tried to go on the stationary bike for half an hour and only managed two minutes before my legs gave out. I can't keep letting my body get like this. Two minutes of moderate effort on a stationary bike with a little too much resistance and my legs just die? Not good enough.

I miss Sam and I want to go home. I feel depressed and triggered and switchy as all hell, I keep finding myself not fronting without actively transitioning. I know where there's a really sharp knife that I could use, my nails are unfortunately short, someone fucking bit them short in the shower, so I can't use them. There is a lighter and incense so I could easily burn. I probably won't but damn I want to right now, I feel like I've been transported back to when I was in the Butterfly Project. I want to scream and cry but I can barely even fucking speak or move from here, or stop typing execpt to check fb messages and see how my pen drive's going (I think it died...not good as it isn't mine). I'm starting to sink into tired numbness, my movements are slow and my thoughts dulled. Going through the motions now.

I just want my Sam. If he can just be here to hold me maybe I'd feel a little better. I don't know.