Kinda...pleased

I wasn't going to eat dinner. I was going to have some Easy Mac and just leave the shepherd's pie...but R called me beautiful. I don't have a crush on her, she's just a friend, but she called me beautiful. This girl is so fucking gorgeous, especially with her hair and makeup the way is now...maybe I will eat dinner.

Stupid!

Shoved my foot in Boyfriend's face, to be playful...he got mad and slapped my leg away. It doesn't hurt, but I'm a bit wounded. I can't believe how STUPID I was to think that was ok! He apologised, but I told him it was my fault. I shouldn't have shoved my foot in his face, especially not while he was gaming. I cried, too. What the fuck? Crying because he got a little angry? Boo fucking hoo!

What the fuck happened to being perfect? Doing that shit isn't perfect. And eating enough food to make your weight increase by 20kg isn't perfect either. I need to get my ass into gear with actually going through with what I've said. Be quieter, eat less, lose weight, wear makeup, never look sloppy or lazy, keep my hair washed, and don't be so irritating. It's fucking easy, so why can't I do it right?

=/

I have a tendency to bite. I just bit my friend with purging disorder (K), and it hurt her...a lot. She cuts, so I was aiming for somewhere away from her wrists, knowing it would really hurt. So I bit her bicep and yeah...now I wanna cry. But I can't tell ANYONE, because I'm FINE. I wanna SH too...and tbh I may just do it.

I had to wait for K to leave the room, so I could blog about this like the whiny bitch I am.

Test...

So I was just scrolling through my post list, when I saw some of them had been viewed (once).

So I want to do a test, to see how many people read my posts. Please leave a comment either here or on another post, if relevant, and just say something, anything, even if it's "I like trains", I wanna see how many readers I have and who they are. I'll even check out your blog and put you on my read list if you're on Blogspot.

Down again

What a rollercoaster day. I'm down again because Sam snapped at me and looked furious because I bit him too hard. My fault, of course, I shouldn't have been biting him in the first place. Not talking. I feel like shit and I'm not allowed to tell anyone...not anymore. I'm invisible, always am when I get like this. Going to tell people I'm fine. They don't need to worry about me, about my shit. Really starting to consider cutting, with a knife of course, blades tug.

I'm ok, though, really. I'm totally fine =D

No more.

This is my new philosophy. All I ever seem to do is bitch, bitch, bitch. It's pathetic. So, starting now, now more bitching in ANY of the groups I belong to. Just here, cause nobody reads this anyway. I'm not going to post about my life unless it's something POSITIVE. Nobody wants to read post after post of me whining about how much my life sucks.

You see my pain is real

Watch my world dissolve

and pretend

Than none of us see the fall

As I turned to sand

You took me by the hand and declared

That love prevails over all.

Perfect

I fucked up. I wasn't perfect. Now I suspect I'll become a scar on her wrist.
I was talking to someone (A) about my friend I mentioned earlier (B, and her girlfriend is D), and I fucked up and hurt her.

I was talking to A about B, without naming names at all, and mentioned that I wasn't to tell D. She got irritated at me and said "Who cares if she 'asked'? Isn't her wellbeing more important?"

I snapped and told her "Don't you dare accuse me of not caring about her."

"I didn't. That's not what I said."
"It's what you implied."

"No it wasn't...but w/e."

Then she unfriended me and posted in a group we both belong to on fb, which she only rejoined today:

"Changed my mind, guys. Sorreh. 2 hours here and I'm already getting the same useless feeling. Maybe some day soon. :) ♥ you all!! Mwah!!"

Our mutual friend, T, checked on her. She said she was ok, but T has his doubts, and I feel terrible. I've apologised, but I don't expect forgiveness.