Update

So...I suppose I should update you guys on what's gone on, why I've been offline.


Well...I decided to retreat for awhile because I was close to being in a bad way and needed a break. Only a few days after that began, just as I was starting to emerge again, one of my headmates fronted in the shower and abused me by hitting and biting my arms and legs repeatedly, and asking me if I missed the pain. She isn't an example of what my headmates are like. Not at all. She's the exception. She's pretty much a lunatic. She's suffered with bulimia for thirteen years, which has hollowed her out to the point where she can't feel anything except hatred, boredom, and a sick, sadistic pleasure. She has no remorse and delights in fucking things up.


When she was done, she retreated and allowed herself to be bound again. She had been bound before, but me and the others had been so preoccupied that we hadn't noticed when her binds  My partner and I created a fragment of his protective instinct to watch Lexi 24/7 and shut her up if she's stirring shit. She's been bound with his will and mine, and the fragment is there to let us know when her bindings are expiring, so she can't fool us again.

I lost a lot of trust after that. I've become wary and paranoid. I'm mute, have been for five days now. I can't tolerate being hit, someone getting angry, arguments happening around me, being shot with a Nerf gun, or someone tickling me with no warning. Even my partner pointing his Nerf gun at me scares me. I'm kind of not all there still, and very far from functional. 


I was at the petrol station at 3am yesterday, trying to overcome my anxiety for long enough to get a muffin. I stood there for about fifteen minutes, scared shitless and wanting to run home. I got it in the end, but I was exhausted by the time I got home.


I've started counselling. I haven't come out to the counsellor yet, I'm still making sure I can trust her. Baylee and Trent have fronted to do counselling, while I listen in, due to my mutism, and Emilie will be fronting for the session tomorrow.


Bliss is back and the urge to be skinny is stronger than ever. I'm afraid she'll make me purge if my progress isn't fast enough.




I need help. And I don't know if the counsellor will be able to give it to me fast enough...I'm deteriorating faster than anyone can keep up...


One of my friends in Singapore is in hospital for a suicide attempt right now, and another friend is contemplating. It's either that or run away for her. I just don't know. I don't know what I'm supposed to do, how I'm supposed to deal with this...I'm just stuck.