Oh shit

Boyfriend is a gamer. He just got Mass Effect 3, and he's playing it obsessively. Whenever he gets what he calls "new game syndrome", I inevitably get really really depressed and cry a lot. He was playing before, and I wanted to talk to him, so he paused and talked to me for a bit. I hugged him and asked if we could snuggle for a bit (because I needed it), and he went, "But, mission...sometimes I despise your timing."

I got off his chest (I was lying on it) and moved away, telling him to never mind, and he said he loved me and all that but I just feel like crying.

I asked for a hug. He hugged me, which was great, but he used Mass Effect as a joke threat because I bit him. "just for that, I could go back to Mass Effect". I moved his controller away, and he insisted on having it within arm's reach, then when I hugged his leg, he took it as an opportunity to play again. I started crying on his leg and he didn't notice. A friend suggested I kiss him, to see what he did. He kissed me back, and was very happy, and is now gaming again. I feel even worse, but he's happy...so I guess that's what counts.

I'm starting to get eating disordered thoughts though...starting to think "Maybe if I lose weight and look prettier he'll be more inclined to pay attention to me...or at least give me more hugs when he sees I'm starving myself.". I'm so pathetic, starving for attention.

On a brighter note, gonna visit C tomorrow, it's his birthday. And hopefully getting my money bullshit sorted on Wednesday. I better get backpaid, I'm owed $640.95, or will be by the time I see WINZ. And I owe TP (my flatmate) $330.

ED

I just yelled at my pregnant friend to start showing more because I look more pregnant than she does. FML. Triggering. Bliss was giving me hell today. Kept making my stomach really obvious to me, wouldn't let me eat my dinner in peace. Called me "fatass" and forced me to run when it wasn't necessary, then sarcastically congratulated me on doing something even my 2 year old sister can do: run. Kept bothering me by asking what the calorie count in my dinner was, to the point where I had to stop eating it.

This sucks.

Sleep

It's 7:54am here. 1:54pm where D is. Sometime within the next ten hours, he's going to attempt suicide. I can't go to sleep in case he goes through with it and I couldn't save him because I was sleeping. I'll never forgive myself if he dies because I was asleep, he usually messages me at some point. What the fuck do I do? If I go to sleep I might not be able to stop D and G from killing themselves...what if I wake up and they're dead? I don't think I'd ever forgive myself for that.


Two of the admins of the Butterfly Project have offered to keep watch, and I really appreciate that. I don't know if I can sleep. There's more and more suicide in the group, the rates of suicide posts are climbing every day...everyone seems to be falling apart. Would it be really really selfish to leave if I couldn't handle all the suicide, all the pain? If it was threatening to pull me under? I know I help out a lot, but I'm compelled to. I can't not. I'm really close to going under, one death of someone close to me and I'm fucked. I don't mean to take the focus away from the suicide posts. But I'm at the end of my tether, I can't do this much longer. Before I joined TBP I hardly ever SH'd. Now I scratch and hit nearly every day, I was stuck on day 3 for the longest time. Would it be selfish for me to leave? Even if it was just another temporary hiatus like last time?


I don't mean to make this about myself but I'm falling to pieces under the numbness. I'm hurting like hell, and I just want to sleep for a few days or something. If D dies, I don't know what I'll do. I just don't know.

Well

He lived. Again. Managed to talk him down. Numb. Not sure how many more times I can do this.

Untitled

He won't listen to me. I'm trying so hard but he won't listen. He can't die. He can't.

Fuck it

Ok, you know what? I don't care how this sounds. G broke up with D again, I think it's permanent this time. He's going to kill himself. It may sound selfish and shallow, but I can't handle a suicide. I'm trying so hard not to break down and panic because my friend is next to me but fuck! I know where the knife is. I might not last til day 11. I'm so broken already, this may send me over the edge. It's going to be a long night, readers. I'll keep you updated.

Also - self harm

Nine days clean! Woo!

So it's come to my notice that you guys think I'm a cutter. Honest mistake, I did mention cutting in the attention whore post, didn't I?

Ok, so time to set things straight: I'm not a cutter. I've attempted to cut myself twice and failed both times, which is odd, I know. BUT. I don't cut. I scratch myself with my nails and the sharp end of plastic spoons and various other bits of plastic, and I beat my limbs with my fists. I only ever do the latter when I've lost control, however, because I punch really hard and I'm afraid of breaking my arm. I mean, how do I explain a blunt-force breakage at such a weird angle? Yeah, I don't.

Not really trying to stop, not yet. All I'm trying to do this year is wean myself off it to the point where next year I can try to stop. I'm trying to last the month. This month is unofficially Self-Harm Awareness Month, hence why my blog is currently orange.

Anyway, now I've cleared that up, I'm off.

Update

Hey you lot
I know I said I'd go on hiatus, and I have, but I just wanted to let you know, in case you were curious about how he was going, that C has been committed. I think this is good. I mean, he's trans, and this is causing MAJOR depression. Maybe they can bring in his counsellor or something, or maybe he will come out to someone. Maybe. I dunno, the plus side is he can't kill himself. =)

Attention

It's come to my attention that I have been attention whoring and making everything I post about me. For that I deeply apologise, it's something I've been trying to work on. It won't happen again, I'll keep a tighter rein on what I say.

It's been suggested to me that perhaps I shouldn't be writing all this down as a public blog, and you know, maybe that's the case, maybe I shouldn't. I didn't want anyone I know to see this blog, but I don't care if randoms see it.

My boyfriend, my friend H, and C are going to help me get counselling sorted. Maybe then I won't be so fucked up. I dunno. Maybe I'll go on the right meds and things will look up. I don't know. I've no way of knowing.

I'm going to take a hiatus from posting for a few days, I need to wrap my head around the issues that have been presented to me. I'll respond to comments but I'm not going to post.

By the way, D lived. He didn't attempt in the end.

Panic attack...

omg. No. D...

My friend D just broke up with his girlfriend G, now he's going to kill himself...there's nothing I can do, I'm trying to find someone who lives in his area, but nobody is responding.


If he dies I'm pretty likely to cut...I'm likely to grab the small knife I was going to use the other night, sterilise it, and cut. I can't take a death. Especially not a suicide. I want to make it the month but if he dies...

Update

C's alive and I didn't cut...and it seems K reads this. Oops. Better watch what I say =p

Intake today was good, Bliss has been relatively quiet lately, I'm not sure...oh wait, no, I see why...that's funny. Trent (one of my headmates, I did say I'm a multiple) has put tape over her mouth xD. Oh that's funny. She'll remove it eventually but in the meantime this is amusing.

Goddess people are assholes. Some guy just said "I think I should hang myself" as a joke. Wow.

Triggered

Oh shit. I want to cut really fucking badly...and there's a knife so close to me...oh Goddess, no. I keep telling myself "nothing is worth another scar" but what if C dies?

Panicking

omg
no
C
He's going to kill himself
No
I can't lose him
I can't lose anyone else
He's my friend
He's awesome
But...he's so unhappy
I know, but...no, this is horrible
He can't afford help because he won't tell his parents
And they'll never know why he did it
I don't know what to do...with K it was so easy, but C...I don't have ANY contacts for him...
I'm falling...

Blargh

My voice still isn't my own...and I hate it, I hate the voice, I hate the words it says, the way it says them. I HATE IT. Even my singing voice sounds shitty. I'm going to stay clean for the month...but fuck, I want to harm and stay silent for the night. Please, just don't talk to me...don't make me speak aloud, I hate the sound of my voice.

Still anxious

Managed to ignore the urge to purge long enough to go to the toilet, but it's cropping up again. Oh, Goddess, I actually feel like I'm going to throw up. I just wish I could fucking tell someone, but I literally fucking can't.

I'm getting more and more scared as this night goes on, what's wrong with me, why am I deteriorating like this?

Wtf?

I feel really fat at the moment. And anxious as fuck. I need to go to the toilet but I want to purge. I can't purge, I can't, that would be a sign that I'm completely fucked. But oh Goddess I want to so bad...I feel like I'm about to have a panic attack and I'm talking someone down at the same time, why the fuck do I keep doing this?

I need help, and I'm past the point of asking for it.

Going insane, going mad...

I spoke before and I didn't recognise my voice, didn't realise it was me speaking. My voice doesn't register as my own anymore.

And I've been hearing things...whispers, voices. I get urges to self harm for no reason. I've started sleeping through the day, and feeling really antisocial.

What the fuck is happening to me? I'm scared.

Mute

I can't speak...I'm having really big trouble getting the words out...what the hell? I'm shaking and I keep snapping at everyone when they try to IM me...and I'm getting really anxious...what the fuck is happening to me...

Realisation

I will never be happy. Not as long as my friends are damaged, depressed self harmers who refuse to get help. In order to be happy, I will have to sacrifice the friends I've made.


Guess I'll never be happy then.

Courage

Video is related...

Breaking...

Intoxicated eyes, no longer live that life.
You should have learned by now, I'll burn this whole world down.
I need some peace of mind, no fear of what's behind.
You think you've won this fight, you've only lost your mind.

[Chorus:]
You had to have it all,
Well have you had enough?
You greedy little bastard,
You will get what you deserve.
When all is said and done,
I will be the one to leave you in the misery and hate what you've become.

Hold me down (I will live again)
Pull me out (I will break it in)
Hold me down (better in the end)
Hold me down.
--------------------------------------
It's a crime you let it happen to me
Nevermind, I'll let it happen to you
Out of mind, forget it there's nothing to lose
But my mind and all the things I wanted

Everytime I get it I throw it away
It's a sign, I get it, I wanna stay
By the time I lose it I'm not afraid
I'm alive but I can Surely fake it

How can I believe when this cloud hangs over me
You're the part of me that I don't wanna see

Forget it

There's a place I see you follow me
Just a taste of all that might come to be
I'm alone but holding breath you can breathe
To question every answer counted

Just fade away
Please let me stay
Caught in your way

Forget it

Just fade away
Please let me stay
Caught in your way

It's a crime you let it happen to me
Out of mind, I love it, easy to please
Nevermind, forget it, just memories
On a page inside a spiral notebook

Just fade away
Please let me stay
Caught in your way
I can live forever here

Forget it

How can I believe when this cloud hangs over me
You're a part of me that I don't wanna see

I can live forever here




Gah, I don't even know what's up, I just feel...infected.

Kinda...pleased

I wasn't going to eat dinner. I was going to have some Easy Mac and just leave the shepherd's pie...but R called me beautiful. I don't have a crush on her, she's just a friend, but she called me beautiful. This girl is so fucking gorgeous, especially with her hair and makeup the way is now...maybe I will eat dinner.

Stupid!

Shoved my foot in Boyfriend's face, to be playful...he got mad and slapped my leg away. It doesn't hurt, but I'm a bit wounded. I can't believe how STUPID I was to think that was ok! He apologised, but I told him it was my fault. I shouldn't have shoved my foot in his face, especially not while he was gaming. I cried, too. What the fuck? Crying because he got a little angry? Boo fucking hoo!

What the fuck happened to being perfect? Doing that shit isn't perfect. And eating enough food to make your weight increase by 20kg isn't perfect either. I need to get my ass into gear with actually going through with what I've said. Be quieter, eat less, lose weight, wear makeup, never look sloppy or lazy, keep my hair washed, and don't be so irritating. It's fucking easy, so why can't I do it right?

=/

I have a tendency to bite. I just bit my friend with purging disorder (K), and it hurt her...a lot. She cuts, so I was aiming for somewhere away from her wrists, knowing it would really hurt. So I bit her bicep and yeah...now I wanna cry. But I can't tell ANYONE, because I'm FINE. I wanna SH too...and tbh I may just do it.

I had to wait for K to leave the room, so I could blog about this like the whiny bitch I am.

Test...

So I was just scrolling through my post list, when I saw some of them had been viewed (once).

So I want to do a test, to see how many people read my posts. Please leave a comment either here or on another post, if relevant, and just say something, anything, even if it's "I like trains", I wanna see how many readers I have and who they are. I'll even check out your blog and put you on my read list if you're on Blogspot.

Down again

What a rollercoaster day. I'm down again because Sam snapped at me and looked furious because I bit him too hard. My fault, of course, I shouldn't have been biting him in the first place. Not talking. I feel like shit and I'm not allowed to tell anyone...not anymore. I'm invisible, always am when I get like this. Going to tell people I'm fine. They don't need to worry about me, about my shit. Really starting to consider cutting, with a knife of course, blades tug.

I'm ok, though, really. I'm totally fine =D

No more.

This is my new philosophy. All I ever seem to do is bitch, bitch, bitch. It's pathetic. So, starting now, now more bitching in ANY of the groups I belong to. Just here, cause nobody reads this anyway. I'm not going to post about my life unless it's something POSITIVE. Nobody wants to read post after post of me whining about how much my life sucks.

You see my pain is real

Watch my world dissolve

and pretend

Than none of us see the fall

As I turned to sand

You took me by the hand and declared

That love prevails over all.