Savior

Back to sacrificing myself for others. Why does this feel like home? No more putting myself first, no more being selfish and ignoring posts and cries for help. I will comment and I will do my best to help everyone, no matter what. I don't matter nearly as much as them and if by ignoring myself I save someone's life, then it's a fair trade-off.

I want to cry.

Boyfriend: How are you?
Me: Hungry. Twiiiiiistiiiiieeees :D
Boyfriend: No. With the pre-release this weekend I can't spare the money.


Apparently a fucking Magic: the Gathering event is more important than me. And now he's in a shitty mood and it's my fucking fault. He got really angry with me because I was teasing him by swinging his headphones back and forth where he couldn't get them, earlier. Yay.

I feel like a child. In a bad way.

I just tried to convince my friend to stop resisting food like she is. She's hungry and there's leftover pizza but she's avoiding it. I told her she isn't to follow my example, that I wouldn't let her, and she laughed at me and said, "Won't let me? Do you plan to come into my room and tie me up? Sorry, it's just the way you said 'won't let' me. I have an excuse for this. I'm 90 kilos"

"Following my example will only end in you developing an eating disorder, and you're probably fucking borderline as it is!"

Another laugh. "What?"

"If you make one more fucking comment about your weight..."

"Well it's true!"

"I don't care! Just because I'm stuck in this doesn't mean you have to be."

Her only response was to look at me kind of strangely, almost pityingly too.

I feel like a child, like I'm being patronised and laughed at for saying something silly, but I'm genuinely worried. She's had days where she skips dinner because she can't face logging it on myfitnesspal. Not in ages but still. I don't want to make this seem bigger than it is but I'm concerned and pissed off because I hate being laughed at. I'm really triggered as well :/ She apologised, and I think she meant it (for depressing me at least) but I don't think this is going to change...help, I really don't want her to follow me, I'm a bad bad example.

Never Again

Well! I feel like shit. Yay for being laughed at. I'm never ever doing that again because the responses I got were quite frankly immature. I will not, for any reason, go skinny dipping in public. I am not at all comfortable with that. I will also not eat dog shit or run around naked. I was hoping for slightly silly, maybe interesting ideas, but instead I get told to expose myself in a way I'm entirely uncomfortable with, and risk my health, all because of some likes. And to make matters worse, when I said I wasn't going to skinny dip, I was told, "10 likes and you have to." Well, actually, no. No, I don't. Hence I'm not putting that up again until I can see that people have grown up. But if what Michael said is anything to go by, that'll never happen and I'm a fool for waiting for it. I already knew I was a fool though, I'm well aware of my lack of intelligence. Sigh. This sucks.

Numbly Infuriated

on my Facebook today, I saw a post from one friend to another. The initials thing I used to do gets confusing so let's call these friends Cassie and Alana. Now, another friend of ours, Acacia, has been in an abusive relationship in which she was the victim with a guy named Ethan. Ethan is nasty to her. Manipulative, controlling, insulting, and he has been known to lose his temper and lash out at her, threaten her. He threatened to push my pregnant friend down the stairs awhile ago.

Today, something happened and Acacia told Cassie to tell Alana that she could kill Ethan. I value life way too much to let that happen, and have told Alana several times that I don't want her killing people. Maimed, yes. Infertile, yes. Crippled, at a stretch. But not killing. She came in and said nobody could stop her after what he'd done to her. I got angry and punched the chair and bashed the keyboard and told her that fine, she could do whatever she wanted, go kill somebody, play God, whatever. She then apologised to me and said she wouldn't hurt him that bad, I said "Just please don't kill him."
she got annoyed and informed me that she wasn't going to take this lightly. We agreed on that.

I was FURIOUS when this happened and actually ended up in tears and now I'm just tired and numb. I hope she keeps her word.


On another somewhat related note I really feel like cutting, and I have never cut. This sucks. Doesn't help I know where a nice clean sharp knife is. I hope I don't break. I'll do my best.

Caffeine

Why does my caffeine addiction get worse when I'm depressed? Why do I crave more of it?

Pathetic.

I am so triggered right now...I just feel like shit. A very good friend of mine is fucking herself up with drugs as a form of self harm. Another seriously good friend who I have a squish (a non-romantic crush) on is so low that she can't see herself getting any lower. I'm afraid she's going to start self harming again or worse. I want to curl up in a ball and cry but for some reason I just can't.

I'm feeling really pathetic because I tried to go on the stationary bike for half an hour and only managed two minutes before my legs gave out. I can't keep letting my body get like this. Two minutes of moderate effort on a stationary bike with a little too much resistance and my legs just die? Not good enough.

I miss Sam and I want to go home. I feel depressed and triggered and switchy as all hell, I keep finding myself not fronting without actively transitioning. I know where there's a really sharp knife that I could use, my nails are unfortunately short, someone fucking bit them short in the shower, so I can't use them. There is a lighter and incense so I could easily burn. I probably won't but damn I want to right now, I feel like I've been transported back to when I was in the Butterfly Project. I want to scream and cry but I can barely even fucking speak or move from here, or stop typing execpt to check fb messages and see how my pen drive's going (I think it died...not good as it isn't mine). I'm starting to sink into tired numbness, my movements are slow and my thoughts dulled. Going through the motions now.

I just want my Sam. If he can just be here to hold me maybe I'd feel a little better. I don't know.

guys help

I changed my timezone to +1200 (NZST) but Blogspot is still timestamping me with a different time zone. How do i fix it?

made it

Welp, I made it here at around 11pm last night (beginning this post it's 7:58pm). It was raining and cold and dark and it even began to snow, which thankfully didn't settle. Currently sitting with a mostly uneaten pizza because as soon as I (involuntarily) started thinking about the calorie content, it started to taste weird. fml. I'll eat it later. I'll have to, it cost me $27 and I had $55!

Going to see Chicago tomorrow, and hopefully see my friend. Going home briefly, mostly to pick up $5 I'm borrowing off my flatmate so I can go see Chicago. Will probably get Alvarados (free quesedilla) or nothing for dinner, to avoid costs, as I have to buy pet food because I went through almost all of it.

Yesterday was a damn good day, food wise. because the one hour walk uphill burned off 372cal, even with the three white cheesey rolls I ate when I got inside, I still managed to be 421cal under my limit, and have been told that if I did that every day (fat chance), I'd weigh 58.8kg in five weeks (am currently 63.0). Today not so much. Had HALF a Lust pizza and it's 940 calories! Not good. Especially considering I'm too lazy to exercise today. Wait. There's an exocycle. I'll use that! YUS.

Probably intended to say more but I got distracted on Facebook and now it's 10:07.

ALL the calories!

Welp. I'm 546 calories over my given limit. And I keep eating. Fml.

Selfish!

Sigh. I'm feeling really selfish right now. My partner's grandfather died two days ago, and he found out yesterday. Tomorrow he's going up to Auckland (1,075.3 km or 668.16 miles North) for about a week. I have to go to his mum's house to dogsit, and it's on the other side of town.

This sounds stupid but when he was at his mum's today, I woke up and I didn't want to get out of bed. I just felt really low. Ended up sleeping in til 5pm. Can't imagine what the next week will be like. I cried when he said he was leaving tomorrow and would be gone for a week. When he's not around and I don't know when I'll see him, my mood just drops and I get depressed and I get urges. I know this is unhealthy.

I can't even have friends around to distract me because nobody wants to walk twenty minutes uphill.

196 days clean. Six months and two weeks. If I break while I'm there I'm going to feel even more selfish, but I can't help but worry that I will.

So Loki (Headmate) and My Boyfriend Took My Measurements

It seems I've gained 2 inches around my thighs but I've lost about 5 around my stomach, .5 around my waist, I think I lost 3 around my hips, and my bust seems to be about the same, maybe an inch bigger, not sure because Loki's got a sports bra on (he's trans) and when my measurements were taken last I was wearing a bra with at least an inch of padding.

But still, good results, especially considering how worried I've been lately about my figure, this proves that despite fat relocation into depressing places, I'm still doing good. ^^

Relapse

Just realised that I bulge over and under the sides of my bra, despite having lost weight. Guess who's out of recovery?