Into the Nothing

Screaming on the inside
I am frail and withered
Cover up the wounds
That I can't hide
Walls that lie between us
The saint within the sinner
I have lost the nerve
But it's all right
Carry the wounded and shut your eyes
All will be forgiven
None will rise
Bury the fallen and lead the blind
I will fight the loss
Dead inside

Into the nothing
Faded and weary
I won't leave and let you fall behind
Live for the dying
Heaven hear me
I know we can make it out alive

Leave me at the bottom
I am lost forever
Letters from the dead
Say goodbye
Sorrow falls upon us
This will be the last time
Days begin to end
But I'll get by
Follow the hopeless
And shut your eyes

All will be abandoned
None will shine
Gather the broken and leave this life
Lying in the earth
Side by side

Into the nothing
Faded and weary
I won't leave and let you fall behind
Live for the dying
Heaven hear me
I know we can make it out alive

I'll keep you inside
Where I lead you cannot follow
Straight into the light
As my breath grows still and shallow

Into the nothing
Faded and weary
I won't leave and let you fall behind
Live for the dying
Heaven hear me
I know we can make it out alive

Stay with me
You're all I have left
I know we can make it out alive
Stay with me
You're all I have left
I know we can make it out alive

Hopeless

HOPELESS 
I'm falling down 
FILTHY 
I can't wake up 
I can not hold on 
I will not let go 
WORTHLESS 
It's over now 
GUILTY 
There's no way out 
I can not hold on 
I will not let go

Dead star shine 
Light up the sky 
I'm all out of breath 
My walls are closing in 
Days go by 
Give me a sign 
Come back to the end 
The shepherd of the damned 
...
Does anyone care? 
Is anybody there? 
...
Forever - and ever 
The scars will remain

8:23 pm

So it's 8:23pm and I have successfully eaten nothing. I'll make some noodles if I start to feel sick, but for now I'm going good <3

Dickhead

Why is Sam always such a dickhead when someone else fronts? It's like he tries to be as annoying and dickish as possibly while still being civil. He nags them, shuts them out, snaps at them, refuses to help them...poor Lilyana was just walking around the kitchen, talking to herself as she looked for bread to make a sandwich with, and Sam decided to say loudly, "I really need headphones so I can indicate that I'm watching this podcast and will be deeply immersed."
She gave him a filthy look and raised her hands in surrender, sitting down on the sofa and remaining quiet. He found his headphones and bitched when he discovered part of them had been immersed in coffee, and said he wouldn't be able to use them until the coffee dried, looking pointedly at Lilyana as he did so. She told him, "No, it's fine, I just won't talk to you." and true to her word, she hasn't spoken to him except when he talks to her.

And the worst part is he keeps saying to her "I'm not trying to be a dick".

Ugh.

Integration

A multiple I've been teaching about healthy plurality stopped contacting me a week ago after she said she was suicidal. I re-established contact with her today and she said she's about to fly out for treatment for her multiplicity...I have a very sad feeling about this. She sent me a link to a psychiatric facility's website. The front page makes me want to cry and smash something, it's so biased and untrue. I asked if she's going to integrate, she said she doesn't know. I'm pretty certain that's what's going to happen. She doesn't know if she wants to integrate or not...I told her "It makes me really sad when multiples integrate...but it's your choice. You can choose to let them integrate you, or you can choose to stay multiple. Either way it's up to you. Maybe multiplicity isn't something you can deal with right now. All I can say is I tried." and I just hope that she chooses to let them live. 

Her reply: "You tried what?"
"To help. To let you know that multiplicity isn't always bad, it isn't always something you need therapy and drugs for, that integration isn't the only option, and it's very rarely the best."
"What else do i do?"
"let them live. Live with them, as I do. I haven't integrated, and depression and anxiety aside, I'm fine. They haven't affected me badly. I chose not to integrate, I chose to remain multiple, because I know they're my friends and I'm not insane."
"depression and anxiety aside?  i have alters who are trying to kill me. i dont know if integration is the final conclusion. i need to stay safe"
"I have a headmate who wants to hurt me. They can be bound, they can be kicked out of the system. They don't have to remain there. Integration may not be what you go in for but that place seems like they want to make integration happen, make it seem like the best idea. Do what you will, I can't stop you."

I failed. She's going to kill them because I failed. If she integrates I am going to really start promoting healthy multiplicity. I'm going to make it well known. I can't let this happen again.



:::EDIT:::
She didn't integrate but I haven't spoken to her in months.

Update

So...I suppose I should update you guys on what's gone on, why I've been offline.


Well...I decided to retreat for awhile because I was close to being in a bad way and needed a break. Only a few days after that began, just as I was starting to emerge again, one of my headmates fronted in the shower and abused me by hitting and biting my arms and legs repeatedly, and asking me if I missed the pain. She isn't an example of what my headmates are like. Not at all. She's the exception. She's pretty much a lunatic. She's suffered with bulimia for thirteen years, which has hollowed her out to the point where she can't feel anything except hatred, boredom, and a sick, sadistic pleasure. She has no remorse and delights in fucking things up.


When she was done, she retreated and allowed herself to be bound again. She had been bound before, but me and the others had been so preoccupied that we hadn't noticed when her binds  My partner and I created a fragment of his protective instinct to watch Lexi 24/7 and shut her up if she's stirring shit. She's been bound with his will and mine, and the fragment is there to let us know when her bindings are expiring, so she can't fool us again.

I lost a lot of trust after that. I've become wary and paranoid. I'm mute, have been for five days now. I can't tolerate being hit, someone getting angry, arguments happening around me, being shot with a Nerf gun, or someone tickling me with no warning. Even my partner pointing his Nerf gun at me scares me. I'm kind of not all there still, and very far from functional. 


I was at the petrol station at 3am yesterday, trying to overcome my anxiety for long enough to get a muffin. I stood there for about fifteen minutes, scared shitless and wanting to run home. I got it in the end, but I was exhausted by the time I got home.


I've started counselling. I haven't come out to the counsellor yet, I'm still making sure I can trust her. Baylee and Trent have fronted to do counselling, while I listen in, due to my mutism, and Emilie will be fronting for the session tomorrow.


Bliss is back and the urge to be skinny is stronger than ever. I'm afraid she'll make me purge if my progress isn't fast enough.




I need help. And I don't know if the counsellor will be able to give it to me fast enough...I'm deteriorating faster than anyone can keep up...


One of my friends in Singapore is in hospital for a suicide attempt right now, and another friend is contemplating. It's either that or run away for her. I just don't know. I don't know what I'm supposed to do, how I'm supposed to deal with this...I'm just stuck.

Scratch?

My name is Emilie. I'm one of Rik's headmates.
She hasn't been fronting for several hours because a friend is guilt tripping her and another one wants to die, which has left her unable to vent at said friend. She has extreme urges to self harm by scratching at her wrists. She's on day 70, so I can't let that happen. She's currently breaking down in tears as I type this.

We need to get her to the counselling agency so she can get help. But she's broke. This is shit. The clock is ticking, she's getting closer and closer to breaking.

I don't think anyone can help, either.

Sick

I'm sick. I have a stomach bug. It's fucking awful, I have to go to the toilet every half hour or so. I can't eat much because it just goes straight through me. I'm consoling myself by reminding myself that if I can't eat much or keep any of it in for long enough to do anything, I'll continue to lose weight. And that's a good thing.

Withdrawals

My flatmate A had some weed last night. Either it was laced with LSD or she reacts badly. She's coming down and having major urges and withdrawals. She posted in a group, "Fuck this. I hate these withdrawals. They fucking suck. Someone give me a blade, a lighter or some more of that stuff. FUCKING HELL!"

I kind of feel like I'm a liar when I say I'm addicted to self harm, as I don't experience withdrawals. I feel like a fake.

Ask Less

I often ask my boyfriend to go and do errands for me, whether it be because I'm lazy or can't do it myself. He asked me to ask him less, even though I told him the other night that "asking less" for me will mean that I stop asking altogether. He wants me to be more "self sufficient". Ok, guess I won't ask anymore. If someone else won't do it and I can't do it then it won't happen.

Shut Up

And once again I wish I hadn't said anything, because I say one seemingly innocent thing and I get snapped at and end up feeling like absolute shit all over again. Last night's glow has been well and truly extinguished. I hate myself sometimes.

Hehehe

Hehehehe. I just wanna tell you guys how happy I am right now.




I did a Samhain ritual with my flatmates last night, at around midnight. It was really awesome, I knew exactly what to say and what to do, and despite some hitches at the beginning (salt was poured on my shoes, I dropped my apple, we left the offering inside), it went smoothly, until the end.


It was me, A, and her boyfriend M. We acknowledged our loved ones who had passed, gave an offering of corn and apple cores (after eating the apples), threw things we wanted to change about ourselves into the fire and buried what wouldn't burn, said some words about our loved ones, then closed the circle. Afterwards, M needed to ground because he was overwhelmed with energy. While he was sitting on the grass he was transported to a place with his cousin, who died ten years ago. His cousin was aged ten years to the age he'd be now, and they were playing rugby and talking. We spent a few minutes getting him to respond, brought him back to reality and took him inside. I've eaten and so have they and now a few hours later we're good. We think Nyx chose him, but for what is yet to be seen.

I chose to burn a piece of paper with insecurity scribbled on it, and said "I'm extremely insecure, and that is something I want to change. I want to be happy with myself and with my body, so I throw this on the fire." A took a rusted folding blade from her pocket, opened it and said "I stole this from Matt* the other day, and have been intending to use it for a few days now. But I haven't, and now I'm chucking it on the fire because I'm not gonna self harm anymore, because I'm over it." and threw it at the flames. M pulled out a piece of paper and said, "I wrote 'anger' on this bit of paper, because I need to stop being such an angry person. I need to feel something other than rage. I need to feel love and joy and happiness, things I feel when I'm with A, I want to feel those things when I'm not with her." and threw it into the flames.

ALSO. I LOST WEIGHT AGAIN. I'M 64.4KG NOW. =D

*Matt is not "M".