Well, feeling like shit because today is the kind of day where I say all the wrong things and get snapped at (I deserved it), and now the possible (probable) suicide or attempted suicide of a friend. And I can't do anything about it. So I have to sit here, watching Facebook carefully, praying that she won't die tonight, praying that my other friend who's down will be ok, praying that I don't relapse, no matter how strong the urges are right now. Fuck, I haven't had urges this strong in a long time. I want to throw up everything I've eaten, scratch my wrists until they bleed, and shut down. Communication is getting me nowhere today. Bliss is back, again, so that's me out of recovery. I don't know how I can solve this, we're over our cap so I can't go watch MLP until I feel better. Maybe Digimon or something. I don't know.
Every time I look over at her and see how miserable she is I feel even worse, because I feel like I should help, but there's nothing I can do. She's left now and I still feel fucking terrible, like I caused it.
AGH I want a relapse! I want day zero, but I have a goal and I haven't reached it, I can't go to day zero. 154/365 days. 5.098564733538802/12 months. I have to reach this goal, but fucking hell it's hard. This is frustrating.
Why am I even typing this shit? I think maybe one person ever reads this, and it's just going to make her feel bad. It doesn't solve anything, and it's all just pointless whining anyway, a friend might be dead or dying, and here's me, whining and complaining about nothing? I deserve what I get, this is fucking ridiculous.
Tuesday 31 July 2012
Friday 20 July 2012
Hmmm
I don't even know how I feel.
I was feeling ok, then Ben got shitty with me for saying I localised my stuff in the lounge, so I felt pretty crappy after that, but not too bad. About an hour ago I was presented with the fantastic opportunity to do hair and makeup for a semi-professional photo shoot in the next week or two, giving me professional looking photos for my portfolio when I apply at the Design and Arts College later this year. This is completely amazing and I was really excited! A friend got short with me, which kinda brought me down, but I was still feeling ok...and now I feel like shit because Sarah is angry. Not at me, but she's angry and I hate being around angry people. She's angry because someone misheard her and left her with not enough money for her IPL treatment, and she's upset, thinking that because of the 50% penalty she'll incur by not paying it in full, she'll be done with IPL at her current place. I'm presuming this means she can't pay it or they'll kick her out or something. I don't know. We're trying to get it sorted.
I was feeling ok, then Ben got shitty with me for saying I localised my stuff in the lounge, so I felt pretty crappy after that, but not too bad. About an hour ago I was presented with the fantastic opportunity to do hair and makeup for a semi-professional photo shoot in the next week or two, giving me professional looking photos for my portfolio when I apply at the Design and Arts College later this year. This is completely amazing and I was really excited! A friend got short with me, which kinda brought me down, but I was still feeling ok...and now I feel like shit because Sarah is angry. Not at me, but she's angry and I hate being around angry people. She's angry because someone misheard her and left her with not enough money for her IPL treatment, and she's upset, thinking that because of the 50% penalty she'll incur by not paying it in full, she'll be done with IPL at her current place. I'm presuming this means she can't pay it or they'll kick her out or something. I don't know. We're trying to get it sorted.
Wednesday 18 July 2012
Mistake
Well...I narced...and it blew up in my face.
I'm really shitting myself now, I know he only wants to sort out his "school shit", but if he sees me...yeah. No. I need to not be here.
Damn right he's furious, he's called the house asking for me three times, and posted a status saying he's coming over tomorrow. He won't get far, Ben will see to that, but I'm actually quite scared, he's really violent and full of anger. I need to not be here but I have nowhere to go. I can't really do much on my own. What the fuck am I to do?
Tuesday 17 July 2012
Idiot!
We were right! IT WAS THEM. Thank you Jessey, for being an idiot! I'm considering narcing to Ayla's mum and getting her in really deep trouble for scaring me. >=D
Saturday 14 July 2012
Aggravated
So now I'm depressed and pissed off and someone I know is going into hospital and telling me she hopes she dies. Fantastic. Thanks, Universe.
Friday 13 July 2012
Who Is This?
At 2:23AM on Saturday, 14th July 2012, exactly one hour ago as I write this, I was sitting on my duvet on the floor, reading Tandia by Bryce Courtenay, when I heard Boyfriend's phone go off. Because of the late hour, I entered the room, where he was playing Skyrim for Xbox with headphones on, and said, "That's strange, who's txting you at this hour?"
"I don't know." he said with a slight confused frown.
I picked up his phone and opened the message. It was from a number I didn't recognise and it said, 'hey honey is this ric i really think your a beautiful babe text me back'
After determining that the txt was not meant as a compliment, as they would have had the courtesy to use Facebook, which is less anonymous, I replied, 'Who is this?'
'brian'
Boyfriend's eyes widened. "I know a Bryan."
"It's spelt differently, not B-R-Y-A-N like Bryan from KAOS."
'I think you've got the wrong number, Brian, I'm not Ric. Sorry mate.'
'who are you i thought you were erica honey'
At this point I began to shake. I turned to Boyfriend and said, "What the fuck, he knows my legal name! What do I say?"
"Tell him you're Cato." (Cato is Boyfriend's surname and occasional alias, he's known by both his first and surnames).
'I'm Cato. How did you get my number?'
'oh really do u know ric'
Boyfriend said, "Yes, you'd think I knew my own girlfriend by now."
'Yes. I'm her boyfriend. How did you get my number?'
'i got your number last time you came to please me honey i know its you baby'
I read this aloud a few times, shaking even harder, and confused. Boyfriend was trusting me completely in this, while I tried to think of a Brian I know. Then Brian sent another message; 'she gave it to me she said she was single when we slept together'
Boyfriend and I discussed whether I had, even platonically. shared a bed with anyone, and we determined, not recently and not with anyone named Brian.
'I think you're lying, who gave you this number?'
I was in the middle of typing something about not being stupid enough to give my boyfriend's number to a guy I'm cheating on him with when I received another txt. 'Im not lying im dating her maxine personality shes really good at giving head'
At this point, I broke into hysterical sobs and breathed so fast as to nearly hyperventilate. "This guy knows I'm a multiple! Who is he?"
Boyfriend and I hashed it out and determined it must be someone I know well, someone I'm close to, but not someone who goes on Facebook often, as they misspelled both my legal and preferred names. He instructed me to say I knew a lot of Brians and wanted to know which one he was. I said I didn't think he'd fall for it but I had no better ideas.
'she says she knows a lot of Brians, which one are you?'
'the sexy one she slept with the other day im really keen to have some more fun and i dont mind if you join in cato'
Boyfriend relayed, "This is some dodgy shit you're doing, I'd appreciate it if you stop before the police have to get involved."
"It's a weak threat, he won't take it."
Boyfriend replied with something about it being intended to show that he would fight back, and asked me to please report the messages, but I reminded him that I'd look insane and they'd refuse to help me.
The last txt we got from Brian was at 2:43am and it read, 'ok baby but text me when u want more fun i wont tell cato'
I didn't respond, and Boyfriend called the number several times until someone picked up. He asked who the phone belonged to, and after repeating himself a few times, he was told it was Brian's phone. He asked if Brian could be put on the line, and the person at the other end must have asked who he was, because he said something about his memory being shitty, then said he was Sam, and had to correct himself and tell them he was Cato and inform them that he uses both names (they must have said something about knowing a Cato but not a Sam or that it was Cato's phone), and they just kept fucking with him. I don't know what went down, but Boyfriend eventually thanked them a few times after asking them to leave me alone, and told me that a lot of dick jokes had been made with familiarity, he said that bad actors always forget the subconscious familiarity they display, even when they think they're acting like they don't know the person. "Brian" never came to the phone, but the person who claimed to be a friend of Brian's sounded like someone we know, affecting a bad Asian accent. We tried to cross-reference the number, but nobody had it in their phones, and a quick Google search found a mention of it on a site asking for somewhere to live in Christchurch back in April, but the post had been removed and the cache was too recent. Other than that, it's a dead end.
I'm no longer scared, just numb. I got angry and punched a box full of stuff a few times, and then simmered down. It's a shame, because just earlier today I found myself feeling at one with the whole world, like I was connected to it, like I was part of it. I felt delighted, an emotion I'd never experienced before, my sore feet meant nothing, I was overheating, and I felt like I'd transcended worry, fear, and anxiety. It was amazing, and I loved it, and it lasted all day until the txts. I'd never experienced it before, but I hope I do again, it seemed to be a tiny window into what life could be like if I managed my depression better, and kept it at bay.
I had an amazing time at the party I attended tonight, but had to leave early with my ride. I talked about random stuff ranging from dancing boobs to how this one guy has dressed for parties in the past, from sports to money, from the diets and habits of our cats to how terrible Adam's Apples are at determining someone's gender, even if you run with the assumption that the whole world is cisgendered, it just doesn't work. I got some amazing photos taken and I remembered why I like going to those parties in the first place, because I have random conversations with people I may never see again. I saw some fantastic costumes, led a small sing-a-long to Bon Jovi's Livin' On a Prayer, and just generally had a good, non-depressed time for the first time in ages.
I hope we can find out who this Brian asshole is. The number will hopefully be blocked by tomorrow, so if they txt again, it'll be from another phone. It's been two hours now and I'm exhausted. I need to discuss it with someone but I don't know who I can trust, hence the blog post.
By Nyx, Erebus, and Diana, I pray that this ordeal may soon be over, that I shall be cleansed of this dirty feeling, and no longer be this person's prey. I pray that they will get their threefold as they deserve, and never again send anyone such frightening messages. So mote it be.
Blessed Be )O(
EDIT: we got another message today. 'wheres maxine i really do care i wanna be there for every need'
"I don't know." he said with a slight confused frown.
I picked up his phone and opened the message. It was from a number I didn't recognise and it said, 'hey honey is this ric i really think your a beautiful babe text me back'
After determining that the txt was not meant as a compliment, as they would have had the courtesy to use Facebook, which is less anonymous, I replied, 'Who is this?'
'brian'
Boyfriend's eyes widened. "I know a Bryan."
"It's spelt differently, not B-R-Y-A-N like Bryan from KAOS."
'I think you've got the wrong number, Brian, I'm not Ric. Sorry mate.'
'who are you i thought you were erica honey'
At this point I began to shake. I turned to Boyfriend and said, "What the fuck, he knows my legal name! What do I say?"
"Tell him you're Cato." (Cato is Boyfriend's surname and occasional alias, he's known by both his first and surnames).
'I'm Cato. How did you get my number?'
'oh really do u know ric'
Boyfriend said, "Yes, you'd think I knew my own girlfriend by now."
'Yes. I'm her boyfriend. How did you get my number?'
'i got your number last time you came to please me honey i know its you baby'
I read this aloud a few times, shaking even harder, and confused. Boyfriend was trusting me completely in this, while I tried to think of a Brian I know. Then Brian sent another message; 'she gave it to me she said she was single when we slept together'
Boyfriend and I discussed whether I had, even platonically. shared a bed with anyone, and we determined, not recently and not with anyone named Brian.
'I think you're lying, who gave you this number?'
I was in the middle of typing something about not being stupid enough to give my boyfriend's number to a guy I'm cheating on him with when I received another txt. 'Im not lying im dating her maxine personality shes really good at giving head'
At this point, I broke into hysterical sobs and breathed so fast as to nearly hyperventilate. "This guy knows I'm a multiple! Who is he?"
Boyfriend and I hashed it out and determined it must be someone I know well, someone I'm close to, but not someone who goes on Facebook often, as they misspelled both my legal and preferred names. He instructed me to say I knew a lot of Brians and wanted to know which one he was. I said I didn't think he'd fall for it but I had no better ideas.
'she says she knows a lot of Brians, which one are you?'
'the sexy one she slept with the other day im really keen to have some more fun and i dont mind if you join in cato'
Boyfriend relayed, "This is some dodgy shit you're doing, I'd appreciate it if you stop before the police have to get involved."
"It's a weak threat, he won't take it."
Boyfriend replied with something about it being intended to show that he would fight back, and asked me to please report the messages, but I reminded him that I'd look insane and they'd refuse to help me.
The last txt we got from Brian was at 2:43am and it read, 'ok baby but text me when u want more fun i wont tell cato'
I didn't respond, and Boyfriend called the number several times until someone picked up. He asked who the phone belonged to, and after repeating himself a few times, he was told it was Brian's phone. He asked if Brian could be put on the line, and the person at the other end must have asked who he was, because he said something about his memory being shitty, then said he was Sam, and had to correct himself and tell them he was Cato and inform them that he uses both names (they must have said something about knowing a Cato but not a Sam or that it was Cato's phone), and they just kept fucking with him. I don't know what went down, but Boyfriend eventually thanked them a few times after asking them to leave me alone, and told me that a lot of dick jokes had been made with familiarity, he said that bad actors always forget the subconscious familiarity they display, even when they think they're acting like they don't know the person. "Brian" never came to the phone, but the person who claimed to be a friend of Brian's sounded like someone we know, affecting a bad Asian accent. We tried to cross-reference the number, but nobody had it in their phones, and a quick Google search found a mention of it on a site asking for somewhere to live in Christchurch back in April, but the post had been removed and the cache was too recent. Other than that, it's a dead end.
I'm no longer scared, just numb. I got angry and punched a box full of stuff a few times, and then simmered down. It's a shame, because just earlier today I found myself feeling at one with the whole world, like I was connected to it, like I was part of it. I felt delighted, an emotion I'd never experienced before, my sore feet meant nothing, I was overheating, and I felt like I'd transcended worry, fear, and anxiety. It was amazing, and I loved it, and it lasted all day until the txts. I'd never experienced it before, but I hope I do again, it seemed to be a tiny window into what life could be like if I managed my depression better, and kept it at bay.
I had an amazing time at the party I attended tonight, but had to leave early with my ride. I talked about random stuff ranging from dancing boobs to how this one guy has dressed for parties in the past, from sports to money, from the diets and habits of our cats to how terrible Adam's Apples are at determining someone's gender, even if you run with the assumption that the whole world is cisgendered, it just doesn't work. I got some amazing photos taken and I remembered why I like going to those parties in the first place, because I have random conversations with people I may never see again. I saw some fantastic costumes, led a small sing-a-long to Bon Jovi's Livin' On a Prayer, and just generally had a good, non-depressed time for the first time in ages.
I hope we can find out who this Brian asshole is. The number will hopefully be blocked by tomorrow, so if they txt again, it'll be from another phone. It's been two hours now and I'm exhausted. I need to discuss it with someone but I don't know who I can trust, hence the blog post.
By Nyx, Erebus, and Diana, I pray that this ordeal may soon be over, that I shall be cleansed of this dirty feeling, and no longer be this person's prey. I pray that they will get their threefold as they deserve, and never again send anyone such frightening messages. So mote it be.
Blessed Be )O(
EDIT: we got another message today. 'wheres maxine i really do care i wanna be there for every need'
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