Monday 30 April 2012
No Title
I'm feeling really...I dunno. Overwhelmed. I can't handle the talking around me. I need to listen to music or something...it's all starting to get to me and if I keep this up I may end up breaking. I guess this is me being "anti social".
Up and Down
Up and down. Fucking see-saw day. Boyfriend was trying to put his laptop under the couch and started raging because there was a writing pad in the way, so he threw the pad across the room. I called him out on it and he gave me the excuse of "This hasn't been the most productive or good night for me" and when I told him my night sucked too and that was no excuse, he just told me to let it slide.
Found out my sister's boyfriend has a spare ticket to the Flight of the Conchords show in my city. Feel like an idiot for thinking it was free. He wants $50 for it. I can do that but I feel like he won't want to give it to me.
And last night I half-jokingly suggested that my flatmate (S) and our friend H should date last night. H got pissed off at me for suggesting it, and S brought it up today, asking me not to initiate a repeat of last night, and now thinks H sees her as worthless scum.
I feel like crap. So close to burning. I fucking hate myself and I hate my life a lot of the time. Nothing I can do until I get therapy I guess. Keep feeling like I'm gonna do something wrong.
Found out my sister's boyfriend has a spare ticket to the Flight of the Conchords show in my city. Feel like an idiot for thinking it was free. He wants $50 for it. I can do that but I feel like he won't want to give it to me.
And last night I half-jokingly suggested that my flatmate (S) and our friend H should date last night. H got pissed off at me for suggesting it, and S brought it up today, asking me not to initiate a repeat of last night, and now thinks H sees her as worthless scum.
I feel like crap. So close to burning. I fucking hate myself and I hate my life a lot of the time. Nothing I can do until I get therapy I guess. Keep feeling like I'm gonna do something wrong.
Astraea
So it seems that a very well-known (on the Internet) multiple system has been reading this blog. This makes me happy. They have a sort of celebrity status to me. So woo!
Day 63 to 0?
Feeling triggered because my flatmate is being the exact brand of dickhead that my dad is. I want to cry. I'm not talking. I was very heavily wrong in a comment thread and I feel stupid because I look like a moron. I want to go burn myself. I may just do it if too much more goes wrong. I'm actually shaking, I feel so shitty.
I'm sorry to whine so much. I left all the "support groups" I was in except one and that one isn't fully a support group so I'm wary of posting too much.
I'm sorry to whine so much. I left all the "support groups" I was in except one and that one isn't fully a support group so I'm wary of posting too much.
Sunday 29 April 2012
Starving
Despite everything I can safely say that I'm doing well. There's no food in the house except for some cheese (which is a kind I don't like) so I haven't eaten anything today. Not a damn thing. AND I've lost 2kg since last week. Woot!
I don't know if I'll eat anything today. Depends on if dinner is something I like, and if my friend returns with Pringles and Milk Shake Toffees. I'll post my intake.
I don't know if I'll eat anything today. Depends on if dinner is something I like, and if my friend returns with Pringles and Milk Shake Toffees. I'll post my intake.
Mood = shot to pieces
Just talking to my flatmates and our mate who's crashing here. Boyfriend is listening to a podcast next to me. Suddenly he goes, "Do I have to go to the room to not have yelling in my ear?"
"Ok. I'll shut up. I'm sorry."
So now I'm not talking so he won't have yelling in his ear. That and I really want to cry because that shit tends to just shoot my self worth to pieces. But it doesn't matter. Just like it doesn't matter that I can *hear his podcast*. He has headphones on but I can hear it. But if I ask him to turn it down? He'll say that he has to have it that loud to drown us out...BUT IT'S DRIVING ME UP THE FUCKING WALL.
"Ok. I'll shut up. I'm sorry."
So now I'm not talking so he won't have yelling in his ear. That and I really want to cry because that shit tends to just shoot my self worth to pieces. But it doesn't matter. Just like it doesn't matter that I can *hear his podcast*. He has headphones on but I can hear it. But if I ask him to turn it down? He'll say that he has to have it that loud to drown us out...BUT IT'S DRIVING ME UP THE FUCKING WALL.
Hey look, an actual update
I suppose I should update you lot on what's going on.
Well, I went inworld for ten days two weeks ago. Refused to front and hit rock bottom with my depression. I wanted to self harm, I cried a lot, and I even stopped speaking for four days. I refused to eat as well. My headmates dealt to life for me during that time, but I was forced back out early when my pregnant friend was talking about suicide, and Trent (the headmate who was fronting at the time) went into minor shock and withdrew, forcing me to front and deal with the situation. I couldn't speak for two days. I gained 3kg in a week from my headmates forcing me to eat, which pushed me into the overweight range, which made me worse. Eventually I began speaking again and I'm doing a lot better now, I actually feel like I'm improving. Trent and Leslee started the process of getting counselling sorted, so I'm on my way for that, and David pushed me into going to the doctor to get some antibiotics for my chest infection, which has started me on a mission to get a bunch of health related things done.
I'm now 63 days without self harm. I nearly broke last night, but didn't. I'm getting an orange ribbon tattoo on my scarred wrist when I'm one year clean, but I'm getting this pentacle:
on my shoulder blade relatively soon and a cute tattoo of a sort of "broadcast love" style on my ankle: the Bluetooth symbol with a heart rather than a dot at some point.
What else? Not sure there's much else to say, really. I've started a daily makeup and outfit thing on Facebook, which is here if you're interested.
I think that's it. I'll probably post again soonish.
Well, I went inworld for ten days two weeks ago. Refused to front and hit rock bottom with my depression. I wanted to self harm, I cried a lot, and I even stopped speaking for four days. I refused to eat as well. My headmates dealt to life for me during that time, but I was forced back out early when my pregnant friend was talking about suicide, and Trent (the headmate who was fronting at the time) went into minor shock and withdrew, forcing me to front and deal with the situation. I couldn't speak for two days. I gained 3kg in a week from my headmates forcing me to eat, which pushed me into the overweight range, which made me worse. Eventually I began speaking again and I'm doing a lot better now, I actually feel like I'm improving. Trent and Leslee started the process of getting counselling sorted, so I'm on my way for that, and David pushed me into going to the doctor to get some antibiotics for my chest infection, which has started me on a mission to get a bunch of health related things done.
on my shoulder blade relatively soon and a cute tattoo of a sort of "broadcast love" style on my ankle: the Bluetooth symbol with a heart rather than a dot at some point.
What else? Not sure there's much else to say, really. I've started a daily makeup and outfit thing on Facebook, which is here if you're interested.
I think that's it. I'll probably post again soonish.
Cool Story...Bro?
I posted in a group I belong to (of people who basically run around with Nerf guns), telling them that my flatmate was trying to fire a Maverick (a six-shooter revolver style Nerf gun) with his foot.
The first comment was "Cool story...bro?" which received four likes. Turns out, nobody gives a shit about what I have to say. That brought me down even further =/
The first comment was "Cool story...bro?" which received four likes. Turns out, nobody gives a shit about what I have to say. That brought me down even further =/
RAGE
Fuck. I am SO SICK of people not listening to me. It makes me feel invisible and I want to cry.
Tuesday 24 April 2012
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