Death at their doorsteps

Two people are likely to take their own lives tonight. If one of them does it may be my fault for accidentally putting the idea in her head. If either of them do...I don't know. This must be why I was so anxious last night. I feel sick.

No Choice But to Keep Recovering

I just realised that if I started cutting I wouldn't be able to hide it from my flatmates. The one time I told one of my flatmates that I'd self harmed was when a burn I'd inflicted recently was stinging and hot to the touch and the skin was hot and inflamed and I needed advice. She went off and told her partner, the head tenant, and he lectured me. How the fuck would he react if I started cutting? I can't. I need to self harm but Goddess damn it I want this tattoo more!

Pieces of Me

I recently decided to make a Butterfly Project group, because the one I joined was deleted by the asshole head admin. I'm NOT an admin, I'm a mod, I just run quality control and weed out the things like reposts, trolls, and inappropriate/triggering posts. But whenever someone needs help, I feel like I have to help them out. Seeing the posts makes me feel like I have to, even though it'll take a piece of myself to do it - and I can't help but think that it'll go to waste. I have no more to give, and the pieces of myself that go to some of these people get left behind and forgotten after a couple hours, they cease to mean anything.

I honestly thought I was over this saviour complex bullshit, but apparently not. I can't save these people. I can't even get up some days. I hate how obligated I feel. I don't know what to do, it hurts to ignore them. I'm still not self harming but damn I'm close to a relapse. I want to see the cuts and scars, I see them as beautiful for some warped reason. I want my arms to be striped with these scars, so my outside can match my inside. My arms would be so fucking beautiful with the scars. But I know I can't, I can't do that to everyone else. When I see pictures of people with scars, they're beautiful to me, but I'm disgusted by the gaping wounds, and I know I'd get to that point quickly. I'm sick. I'm fucking sick, and I know it, and I can't stop it. I need help :/

Savior

Back to sacrificing myself for others. Why does this feel like home? No more putting myself first, no more being selfish and ignoring posts and cries for help. I will comment and I will do my best to help everyone, no matter what. I don't matter nearly as much as them and if by ignoring myself I save someone's life, then it's a fair trade-off.

I want to cry.

Boyfriend: How are you?
Me: Hungry. Twiiiiiistiiiiieeees :D
Boyfriend: No. With the pre-release this weekend I can't spare the money.


Apparently a fucking Magic: the Gathering event is more important than me. And now he's in a shitty mood and it's my fucking fault. He got really angry with me because I was teasing him by swinging his headphones back and forth where he couldn't get them, earlier. Yay.

I feel like a child. In a bad way.

I just tried to convince my friend to stop resisting food like she is. She's hungry and there's leftover pizza but she's avoiding it. I told her she isn't to follow my example, that I wouldn't let her, and she laughed at me and said, "Won't let me? Do you plan to come into my room and tie me up? Sorry, it's just the way you said 'won't let' me. I have an excuse for this. I'm 90 kilos"

"Following my example will only end in you developing an eating disorder, and you're probably fucking borderline as it is!"

Another laugh. "What?"

"If you make one more fucking comment about your weight..."

"Well it's true!"

"I don't care! Just because I'm stuck in this doesn't mean you have to be."

Her only response was to look at me kind of strangely, almost pityingly too.

I feel like a child, like I'm being patronised and laughed at for saying something silly, but I'm genuinely worried. She's had days where she skips dinner because she can't face logging it on myfitnesspal. Not in ages but still. I don't want to make this seem bigger than it is but I'm concerned and pissed off because I hate being laughed at. I'm really triggered as well :/ She apologised, and I think she meant it (for depressing me at least) but I don't think this is going to change...help, I really don't want her to follow me, I'm a bad bad example.

Never Again

Well! I feel like shit. Yay for being laughed at. I'm never ever doing that again because the responses I got were quite frankly immature. I will not, for any reason, go skinny dipping in public. I am not at all comfortable with that. I will also not eat dog shit or run around naked. I was hoping for slightly silly, maybe interesting ideas, but instead I get told to expose myself in a way I'm entirely uncomfortable with, and risk my health, all because of some likes. And to make matters worse, when I said I wasn't going to skinny dip, I was told, "10 likes and you have to." Well, actually, no. No, I don't. Hence I'm not putting that up again until I can see that people have grown up. But if what Michael said is anything to go by, that'll never happen and I'm a fool for waiting for it. I already knew I was a fool though, I'm well aware of my lack of intelligence. Sigh. This sucks.

Numbly Infuriated

on my Facebook today, I saw a post from one friend to another. The initials thing I used to do gets confusing so let's call these friends Cassie and Alana. Now, another friend of ours, Acacia, has been in an abusive relationship in which she was the victim with a guy named Ethan. Ethan is nasty to her. Manipulative, controlling, insulting, and he has been known to lose his temper and lash out at her, threaten her. He threatened to push my pregnant friend down the stairs awhile ago.

Today, something happened and Acacia told Cassie to tell Alana that she could kill Ethan. I value life way too much to let that happen, and have told Alana several times that I don't want her killing people. Maimed, yes. Infertile, yes. Crippled, at a stretch. But not killing. She came in and said nobody could stop her after what he'd done to her. I got angry and punched the chair and bashed the keyboard and told her that fine, she could do whatever she wanted, go kill somebody, play God, whatever. She then apologised to me and said she wouldn't hurt him that bad, I said "Just please don't kill him."
she got annoyed and informed me that she wasn't going to take this lightly. We agreed on that.

I was FURIOUS when this happened and actually ended up in tears and now I'm just tired and numb. I hope she keeps her word.


On another somewhat related note I really feel like cutting, and I have never cut. This sucks. Doesn't help I know where a nice clean sharp knife is. I hope I don't break. I'll do my best.

Caffeine

Why does my caffeine addiction get worse when I'm depressed? Why do I crave more of it?

Pathetic.

I am so triggered right now...I just feel like shit. A very good friend of mine is fucking herself up with drugs as a form of self harm. Another seriously good friend who I have a squish (a non-romantic crush) on is so low that she can't see herself getting any lower. I'm afraid she's going to start self harming again or worse. I want to curl up in a ball and cry but for some reason I just can't.

I'm feeling really pathetic because I tried to go on the stationary bike for half an hour and only managed two minutes before my legs gave out. I can't keep letting my body get like this. Two minutes of moderate effort on a stationary bike with a little too much resistance and my legs just die? Not good enough.

I miss Sam and I want to go home. I feel depressed and triggered and switchy as all hell, I keep finding myself not fronting without actively transitioning. I know where there's a really sharp knife that I could use, my nails are unfortunately short, someone fucking bit them short in the shower, so I can't use them. There is a lighter and incense so I could easily burn. I probably won't but damn I want to right now, I feel like I've been transported back to when I was in the Butterfly Project. I want to scream and cry but I can barely even fucking speak or move from here, or stop typing execpt to check fb messages and see how my pen drive's going (I think it died...not good as it isn't mine). I'm starting to sink into tired numbness, my movements are slow and my thoughts dulled. Going through the motions now.

I just want my Sam. If he can just be here to hold me maybe I'd feel a little better. I don't know.

guys help

I changed my timezone to +1200 (NZST) but Blogspot is still timestamping me with a different time zone. How do i fix it?

made it

Welp, I made it here at around 11pm last night (beginning this post it's 7:58pm). It was raining and cold and dark and it even began to snow, which thankfully didn't settle. Currently sitting with a mostly uneaten pizza because as soon as I (involuntarily) started thinking about the calorie content, it started to taste weird. fml. I'll eat it later. I'll have to, it cost me $27 and I had $55!

Going to see Chicago tomorrow, and hopefully see my friend. Going home briefly, mostly to pick up $5 I'm borrowing off my flatmate so I can go see Chicago. Will probably get Alvarados (free quesedilla) or nothing for dinner, to avoid costs, as I have to buy pet food because I went through almost all of it.

Yesterday was a damn good day, food wise. because the one hour walk uphill burned off 372cal, even with the three white cheesey rolls I ate when I got inside, I still managed to be 421cal under my limit, and have been told that if I did that every day (fat chance), I'd weigh 58.8kg in five weeks (am currently 63.0). Today not so much. Had HALF a Lust pizza and it's 940 calories! Not good. Especially considering I'm too lazy to exercise today. Wait. There's an exocycle. I'll use that! YUS.

Probably intended to say more but I got distracted on Facebook and now it's 10:07.

ALL the calories!

Welp. I'm 546 calories over my given limit. And I keep eating. Fml.

Selfish!

Sigh. I'm feeling really selfish right now. My partner's grandfather died two days ago, and he found out yesterday. Tomorrow he's going up to Auckland (1,075.3 km or 668.16 miles North) for about a week. I have to go to his mum's house to dogsit, and it's on the other side of town.

This sounds stupid but when he was at his mum's today, I woke up and I didn't want to get out of bed. I just felt really low. Ended up sleeping in til 5pm. Can't imagine what the next week will be like. I cried when he said he was leaving tomorrow and would be gone for a week. When he's not around and I don't know when I'll see him, my mood just drops and I get depressed and I get urges. I know this is unhealthy.

I can't even have friends around to distract me because nobody wants to walk twenty minutes uphill.

196 days clean. Six months and two weeks. If I break while I'm there I'm going to feel even more selfish, but I can't help but worry that I will.

So Loki (Headmate) and My Boyfriend Took My Measurements

It seems I've gained 2 inches around my thighs but I've lost about 5 around my stomach, .5 around my waist, I think I lost 3 around my hips, and my bust seems to be about the same, maybe an inch bigger, not sure because Loki's got a sports bra on (he's trans) and when my measurements were taken last I was wearing a bra with at least an inch of padding.

But still, good results, especially considering how worried I've been lately about my figure, this proves that despite fat relocation into depressing places, I'm still doing good. ^^

Relapse

Just realised that I bulge over and under the sides of my bra, despite having lost weight. Guess who's out of recovery?

Here we go

Well, feeling like shit because today is the kind of day where I say all the wrong things and get snapped at (I deserved it), and now the possible (probable) suicide or attempted suicide of a friend. And I can't do anything about it. So I have to sit here, watching Facebook carefully, praying that she won't die tonight, praying that my other friend who's down will be ok, praying that I don't relapse, no matter how strong the urges are right now. Fuck, I haven't had urges this strong in a long time. I want to throw up everything I've eaten, scratch my wrists until they bleed, and shut down. Communication is getting me nowhere today. Bliss is back, again, so that's me out of recovery. I don't know how I can solve this, we're over our cap so I can't go watch MLP until I feel better. Maybe Digimon or something. I don't know.

Every time I look over at her and see how miserable she is I feel even worse, because I feel like I should help, but there's nothing I can do. She's left now and I still feel fucking terrible, like I caused it.

AGH I want a relapse! I want day zero, but I have a goal and I haven't reached it, I can't go to day zero. 154/365 days. 5.098564733538802/12 months. I have to reach this goal, but fucking hell it's hard. This is frustrating.

Why am I even typing this shit? I think maybe one person ever reads this, and it's just going to make her feel bad. It doesn't solve anything, and it's all just pointless whining anyway, a friend might be dead or dying, and here's me, whining and complaining about nothing? I deserve what I get, this is fucking ridiculous.

Hmmm

I don't even know how I feel.

I was feeling ok, then Ben got shitty with me for saying I localised my stuff in the lounge, so I felt pretty crappy after that, but not too bad. About an hour ago I was presented with the fantastic opportunity to do hair and makeup for a semi-professional photo shoot in the next week or two, giving me professional looking photos for my portfolio when I apply at the Design and Arts College later this year. This is completely amazing and I was really excited! A friend got short with me, which kinda brought me down, but I was still feeling ok...and now I feel like shit because Sarah is angry. Not at me, but she's angry and I hate being around angry people. She's angry because someone misheard her and left her with not enough money for her IPL treatment, and she's upset, thinking that because of the 50% penalty she'll incur by not paying it in full, she'll be done with IPL at her current place. I'm presuming this means she can't pay it or they'll kick her out or something. I don't know. We're trying to get it sorted.

Mistake

Well...I narced...and it blew up in my face.

Damn right he's furious, he's called the house asking for me three times, and posted a status saying he's coming over tomorrow. He won't get far, Ben will see to that, but I'm actually quite scared, he's really violent and full of anger. I need to not be here but I have nowhere to go. I can't really do much on my own. What the fuck am I to do?

I'm really shitting myself now, I know he only wants to sort out his "school shit", but if he sees me...yeah. No. I need to not be here.

Idiot!

We were right! IT WAS THEM. Thank you Jessey, for being an idiot! I'm considering narcing to Ayla's mum and getting her in really deep trouble for scaring me. >=D

Aggravated

So now I'm depressed and pissed off and someone I know is going into hospital and telling me she hopes she dies. Fantastic. Thanks, Universe.

Who Is This?

At 2:23AM on Saturday, 14th July 2012, exactly one hour ago as I write this, I was sitting on my duvet on the floor, reading Tandia by Bryce Courtenay, when I heard Boyfriend's phone go off. Because of the late hour, I entered the room, where he was playing Skyrim for Xbox with headphones on, and said, "That's strange, who's txting you at this hour?"
"I don't know." he said with a slight confused frown.
I picked up his phone and opened the message. It was from a number I didn't recognise and it said, 'hey honey is this ric i really think your a beautiful babe text me back'
After determining that the txt was not meant as a compliment, as they would have had the courtesy to use Facebook, which is less anonymous, I replied, 'Who is this?'
'brian'
Boyfriend's eyes widened. "I know a Bryan."
"It's spelt differently, not B-R-Y-A-N like Bryan from KAOS."
'I think you've got the wrong number, Brian, I'm not Ric. Sorry mate.'
'who are you i thought you were erica honey'
At this point I began to shake. I turned to Boyfriend and said, "What the fuck, he knows my legal name! What do I say?"
"Tell him you're Cato." (Cato is Boyfriend's surname and occasional alias, he's known by both his first and surnames).
'I'm Cato. How did you get my number?'
'oh really do u know ric'
Boyfriend said, "Yes, you'd think I knew my own girlfriend by now."
'Yes. I'm her boyfriend. How did you get my number?'
'i got your number last time you came to please me honey i know its you baby'
I read this aloud a few times, shaking even harder, and confused. Boyfriend was trusting me completely in this, while I tried to think of a Brian I know. Then Brian sent another message; 'she gave it to me she said she was single when we slept together'
Boyfriend and I discussed whether I had, even platonically. shared a bed with anyone, and we determined, not recently and not with anyone named Brian.
'I think you're lying, who gave you this number?'
I was in the middle of typing something about not being stupid enough to give my boyfriend's number to a guy I'm cheating on him with when I received another txt. 'Im not lying im dating her maxine personality shes really good at giving head'
At this point, I broke into hysterical sobs and breathed so fast as to nearly hyperventilate. "This guy knows I'm a multiple! Who is he?"
Boyfriend and I hashed it out and determined it must be someone I know well, someone I'm close to, but not someone who goes on Facebook often, as they misspelled both my legal and preferred names. He instructed me to say I knew a lot of Brians and wanted to know which one he was. I said I didn't think he'd fall for it but I had no better ideas.
'she says she knows a lot of Brians, which one are you?'
'the sexy one she slept with the other day im really keen to have some more fun and i dont mind if you join in cato'
Boyfriend relayed, "This is some dodgy shit you're doing, I'd appreciate it if you stop before the police have to get involved."
"It's a weak threat, he won't take it."
Boyfriend replied with something about it being intended to show that he would fight back, and asked me to please report the messages, but I reminded him that I'd look insane and they'd refuse to help me.
The last txt we got from Brian was at 2:43am and it read, 'ok baby but text me when u want more fun i wont tell cato'

I didn't respond, and Boyfriend called the number several times until someone picked up. He asked who the phone belonged to, and after repeating himself a few times, he was told it was Brian's phone. He asked if Brian could be put on the line, and the person at the other end must have asked who he was, because he said something about his memory being shitty, then said he was Sam, and had to correct himself and tell them he was Cato and inform them that he uses both names (they must have said something about knowing a Cato but not a Sam or that it was Cato's phone), and they just kept fucking with him. I don't know what went down, but Boyfriend eventually thanked them a few times after asking them to leave me alone, and told me that a lot of dick jokes had been made with familiarity, he said that bad actors always forget the subconscious familiarity they display, even when they think they're acting like they don't know the person. "Brian" never came to the phone, but the person who claimed to be a friend of Brian's sounded like someone we know, affecting a bad Asian accent. We tried to cross-reference the number, but nobody had it in their phones, and a quick Google search found a mention of it on a site asking for somewhere to live in Christchurch back in April, but the post had been removed and the cache was too recent. Other than that, it's a dead end.

I'm no longer scared, just numb. I got angry and punched a box full of stuff a few times, and then simmered down. It's a shame, because just earlier today I found myself feeling at one with the whole world, like I was connected to it, like I was part of it. I felt delighted, an emotion I'd never experienced before, my sore feet meant nothing, I was overheating, and I felt like I'd transcended worry, fear, and anxiety. It was amazing, and I loved it, and it lasted all day until the txts. I'd never experienced it before, but I hope I do again, it seemed to be a tiny window into what life could be like if I managed my depression better, and kept it at bay.

I had an amazing time at the party I attended tonight, but had to leave early with my ride. I talked about random stuff ranging from dancing boobs to how this one guy has dressed for parties in the past, from sports to money, from the diets and habits of our cats to how terrible Adam's Apples are at determining someone's gender, even if you run with the assumption that the whole world is cisgendered, it just doesn't work. I got some amazing photos taken and I remembered why I like going to those parties in the first place, because I have random conversations with people I may never see again. I saw some fantastic costumes, led a small sing-a-long to Bon Jovi's Livin' On a Prayer, and just generally had a good, non-depressed time for the first time in ages.

I hope we can find out who this Brian asshole is. The number will hopefully be blocked by tomorrow, so if they txt again, it'll be from another phone. It's been two hours now and I'm exhausted. I need to discuss it with someone but I don't know who I can trust, hence the blog post.

By Nyx, Erebus, and Diana, I pray that this ordeal may soon be over, that I shall be cleansed of this dirty feeling, and no longer be this person's prey. I pray that they will get their threefold as they deserve, and never again send anyone such frightening messages. So mote it be.

Blessed Be )O(

EDIT: we got another message today. 'wheres maxine i really do care i wanna be there for every need'

Bad day number umpteen thousand

I got this on my Timeline today, in the comments thread for a random link.

Here's what they were talking about:

and here is the conversation Adele, TB, L and I had on Maxie's msn account:

This was yesterday, and I thought it was all sorted, then today I got the comments on my Timeline that I put above. What the fuck am I meant to do? I posted this:

I just hope the whole thing blows over, or I may end up losing several friends (all of Cloverfields). And I'm starting to see huge flaws in the things I wrote, which are going to get me yelled at. This, I think, is only going to get worse, and I'm not looking forward to it. 

Open Mind

I just had a really nice, intellectual conversation with a friend about the schooling system, and now my brain has gone into sponge mode, it wants to have more of these conversations, it want to share what it knows and learn more, but there's nobody around for me to have them with so I'm trying to numb my brain with Facebook games and random funny pictures so I can stop agonising.

I don't want to be me.

Being me hurts.

Tired and Miserable

It's 1:24pm
I haven't yet slept
I've been up since 7pm yesterday
I can't go to bed because I have to be ready at 5:30pm to have dinner with my cousin at 6pm
I am tired and miserable
I feel sick
I want to hurt myself then curl up in a ball and sleep
Why do I do this to myself?

Wtf?

I feel shitty and I don't know why =(

Razors

Damn it. My friend just went to have a shower, and I was concerned about her being in there because there were razors. I was right to be worried. She cut herself while she was in there. Fanfuckingtastic. And even though I want this day to just be over, I have to do the dishes. Nobody else will do them, especially Cato, so I have to.

I don't want to be here.

I Tried

Boyfriend is trying to watch Teen Titans next to me. I want to watch Elfen Lied. I've tried twice now to ask my friends and flatmates to shut up and stop yelling so we can watch our shows in peace, and they say "ok, sorry" and are quiet for a moment and then they start again. They start shouting and laughing and screaming at each other all over again. I've just given up on trying to shut them up and am just waiting for them to start leaving the room because fuck it.

Overwhelmed!

Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!

Two friends are suicidal, they're both in the same room as me, I'm overwhelmed and triggered to self harm and I don't know what to do. I don't know how to help people anymore. I'm so worried for them and panicky and I just want to curl up and hide.

Inadequate

Petra Asked Alexandria > The Squirrel Crew!
thinking about cutting... all i get from people is "your not skinny enuff"
DO YOU WANT ME TOO STOP EATING CAUSE IM SO FUCKING CLOSE MAN!!!! :'(

^ that post has really brought my old feelings of inadequacy back to the surface. Fuck.

I was actually feeling kinda good, albeit really tired, and now - boom.

She's ok, but I feel like crap. My 600 gram (21.1643772 ounces) weight loss this week isn't enough. My few days of starving and partial fasts isn't enough. I need to get back into wearing makeup every day, and getting dressed every day, and not eating. I need to stop fart assing around if I want to be good enough.



Why can't I feel good enough? I need to call my counsellor =(

Into the Nothing

Screaming on the inside
I am frail and withered
Cover up the wounds
That I can't hide
Walls that lie between us
The saint within the sinner
I have lost the nerve
But it's all right
Carry the wounded and shut your eyes
All will be forgiven
None will rise
Bury the fallen and lead the blind
I will fight the loss
Dead inside

Into the nothing
Faded and weary
I won't leave and let you fall behind
Live for the dying
Heaven hear me
I know we can make it out alive

Leave me at the bottom
I am lost forever
Letters from the dead
Say goodbye
Sorrow falls upon us
This will be the last time
Days begin to end
But I'll get by
Follow the hopeless
And shut your eyes

All will be abandoned
None will shine
Gather the broken and leave this life
Lying in the earth
Side by side

Into the nothing
Faded and weary
I won't leave and let you fall behind
Live for the dying
Heaven hear me
I know we can make it out alive

I'll keep you inside
Where I lead you cannot follow
Straight into the light
As my breath grows still and shallow

Into the nothing
Faded and weary
I won't leave and let you fall behind
Live for the dying
Heaven hear me
I know we can make it out alive

Stay with me
You're all I have left
I know we can make it out alive
Stay with me
You're all I have left
I know we can make it out alive

Hopeless

HOPELESS 
I'm falling down 
FILTHY 
I can't wake up 
I can not hold on 
I will not let go 
WORTHLESS 
It's over now 
GUILTY 
There's no way out 
I can not hold on 
I will not let go

Dead star shine 
Light up the sky 
I'm all out of breath 
My walls are closing in 
Days go by 
Give me a sign 
Come back to the end 
The shepherd of the damned 
...
Does anyone care? 
Is anybody there? 
...
Forever - and ever 
The scars will remain

8:23 pm

So it's 8:23pm and I have successfully eaten nothing. I'll make some noodles if I start to feel sick, but for now I'm going good <3

Dickhead

Why is Sam always such a dickhead when someone else fronts? It's like he tries to be as annoying and dickish as possibly while still being civil. He nags them, shuts them out, snaps at them, refuses to help them...poor Lilyana was just walking around the kitchen, talking to herself as she looked for bread to make a sandwich with, and Sam decided to say loudly, "I really need headphones so I can indicate that I'm watching this podcast and will be deeply immersed."
She gave him a filthy look and raised her hands in surrender, sitting down on the sofa and remaining quiet. He found his headphones and bitched when he discovered part of them had been immersed in coffee, and said he wouldn't be able to use them until the coffee dried, looking pointedly at Lilyana as he did so. She told him, "No, it's fine, I just won't talk to you." and true to her word, she hasn't spoken to him except when he talks to her.

And the worst part is he keeps saying to her "I'm not trying to be a dick".

Ugh.

Integration

A multiple I've been teaching about healthy plurality stopped contacting me a week ago after she said she was suicidal. I re-established contact with her today and she said she's about to fly out for treatment for her multiplicity...I have a very sad feeling about this. She sent me a link to a psychiatric facility's website. The front page makes me want to cry and smash something, it's so biased and untrue. I asked if she's going to integrate, she said she doesn't know. I'm pretty certain that's what's going to happen. She doesn't know if she wants to integrate or not...I told her "It makes me really sad when multiples integrate...but it's your choice. You can choose to let them integrate you, or you can choose to stay multiple. Either way it's up to you. Maybe multiplicity isn't something you can deal with right now. All I can say is I tried." and I just hope that she chooses to let them live. 

Her reply: "You tried what?"
"To help. To let you know that multiplicity isn't always bad, it isn't always something you need therapy and drugs for, that integration isn't the only option, and it's very rarely the best."
"What else do i do?"
"let them live. Live with them, as I do. I haven't integrated, and depression and anxiety aside, I'm fine. They haven't affected me badly. I chose not to integrate, I chose to remain multiple, because I know they're my friends and I'm not insane."
"depression and anxiety aside?  i have alters who are trying to kill me. i dont know if integration is the final conclusion. i need to stay safe"
"I have a headmate who wants to hurt me. They can be bound, they can be kicked out of the system. They don't have to remain there. Integration may not be what you go in for but that place seems like they want to make integration happen, make it seem like the best idea. Do what you will, I can't stop you."

I failed. She's going to kill them because I failed. If she integrates I am going to really start promoting healthy multiplicity. I'm going to make it well known. I can't let this happen again.



:::EDIT:::
She didn't integrate but I haven't spoken to her in months.

Update

So...I suppose I should update you guys on what's gone on, why I've been offline.


Well...I decided to retreat for awhile because I was close to being in a bad way and needed a break. Only a few days after that began, just as I was starting to emerge again, one of my headmates fronted in the shower and abused me by hitting and biting my arms and legs repeatedly, and asking me if I missed the pain. She isn't an example of what my headmates are like. Not at all. She's the exception. She's pretty much a lunatic. She's suffered with bulimia for thirteen years, which has hollowed her out to the point where she can't feel anything except hatred, boredom, and a sick, sadistic pleasure. She has no remorse and delights in fucking things up.


When she was done, she retreated and allowed herself to be bound again. She had been bound before, but me and the others had been so preoccupied that we hadn't noticed when her binds  My partner and I created a fragment of his protective instinct to watch Lexi 24/7 and shut her up if she's stirring shit. She's been bound with his will and mine, and the fragment is there to let us know when her bindings are expiring, so she can't fool us again.

I lost a lot of trust after that. I've become wary and paranoid. I'm mute, have been for five days now. I can't tolerate being hit, someone getting angry, arguments happening around me, being shot with a Nerf gun, or someone tickling me with no warning. Even my partner pointing his Nerf gun at me scares me. I'm kind of not all there still, and very far from functional. 


I was at the petrol station at 3am yesterday, trying to overcome my anxiety for long enough to get a muffin. I stood there for about fifteen minutes, scared shitless and wanting to run home. I got it in the end, but I was exhausted by the time I got home.


I've started counselling. I haven't come out to the counsellor yet, I'm still making sure I can trust her. Baylee and Trent have fronted to do counselling, while I listen in, due to my mutism, and Emilie will be fronting for the session tomorrow.


Bliss is back and the urge to be skinny is stronger than ever. I'm afraid she'll make me purge if my progress isn't fast enough.




I need help. And I don't know if the counsellor will be able to give it to me fast enough...I'm deteriorating faster than anyone can keep up...


One of my friends in Singapore is in hospital for a suicide attempt right now, and another friend is contemplating. It's either that or run away for her. I just don't know. I don't know what I'm supposed to do, how I'm supposed to deal with this...I'm just stuck.

Scratch?

My name is Emilie. I'm one of Rik's headmates.
She hasn't been fronting for several hours because a friend is guilt tripping her and another one wants to die, which has left her unable to vent at said friend. She has extreme urges to self harm by scratching at her wrists. She's on day 70, so I can't let that happen. She's currently breaking down in tears as I type this.

We need to get her to the counselling agency so she can get help. But she's broke. This is shit. The clock is ticking, she's getting closer and closer to breaking.

I don't think anyone can help, either.

Sick

I'm sick. I have a stomach bug. It's fucking awful, I have to go to the toilet every half hour or so. I can't eat much because it just goes straight through me. I'm consoling myself by reminding myself that if I can't eat much or keep any of it in for long enough to do anything, I'll continue to lose weight. And that's a good thing.

Withdrawals

My flatmate A had some weed last night. Either it was laced with LSD or she reacts badly. She's coming down and having major urges and withdrawals. She posted in a group, "Fuck this. I hate these withdrawals. They fucking suck. Someone give me a blade, a lighter or some more of that stuff. FUCKING HELL!"

I kind of feel like I'm a liar when I say I'm addicted to self harm, as I don't experience withdrawals. I feel like a fake.

Ask Less

I often ask my boyfriend to go and do errands for me, whether it be because I'm lazy or can't do it myself. He asked me to ask him less, even though I told him the other night that "asking less" for me will mean that I stop asking altogether. He wants me to be more "self sufficient". Ok, guess I won't ask anymore. If someone else won't do it and I can't do it then it won't happen.

Shut Up

And once again I wish I hadn't said anything, because I say one seemingly innocent thing and I get snapped at and end up feeling like absolute shit all over again. Last night's glow has been well and truly extinguished. I hate myself sometimes.

Hehehe

Hehehehe. I just wanna tell you guys how happy I am right now.




I did a Samhain ritual with my flatmates last night, at around midnight. It was really awesome, I knew exactly what to say and what to do, and despite some hitches at the beginning (salt was poured on my shoes, I dropped my apple, we left the offering inside), it went smoothly, until the end.


It was me, A, and her boyfriend M. We acknowledged our loved ones who had passed, gave an offering of corn and apple cores (after eating the apples), threw things we wanted to change about ourselves into the fire and buried what wouldn't burn, said some words about our loved ones, then closed the circle. Afterwards, M needed to ground because he was overwhelmed with energy. While he was sitting on the grass he was transported to a place with his cousin, who died ten years ago. His cousin was aged ten years to the age he'd be now, and they were playing rugby and talking. We spent a few minutes getting him to respond, brought him back to reality and took him inside. I've eaten and so have they and now a few hours later we're good. We think Nyx chose him, but for what is yet to be seen.

I chose to burn a piece of paper with insecurity scribbled on it, and said "I'm extremely insecure, and that is something I want to change. I want to be happy with myself and with my body, so I throw this on the fire." A took a rusted folding blade from her pocket, opened it and said "I stole this from Matt* the other day, and have been intending to use it for a few days now. But I haven't, and now I'm chucking it on the fire because I'm not gonna self harm anymore, because I'm over it." and threw it at the flames. M pulled out a piece of paper and said, "I wrote 'anger' on this bit of paper, because I need to stop being such an angry person. I need to feel something other than rage. I need to feel love and joy and happiness, things I feel when I'm with A, I want to feel those things when I'm not with her." and threw it into the flames.

ALSO. I LOST WEIGHT AGAIN. I'M 64.4KG NOW. =D

*Matt is not "M".

No Title

I'm feeling really...I dunno. Overwhelmed. I can't handle the talking around me. I need to listen to music or something...it's all starting to get to me and if I keep this up I may end up breaking. I guess this is me being "anti social".

Up and Down

Up and down. Fucking see-saw day. Boyfriend was trying to put his laptop under the couch and started raging because there was a writing pad in the way, so he threw the pad across the room. I called him out on it and he gave me the excuse of "This hasn't been the most productive or good night for me" and when I told him my night sucked too and that was no excuse, he just told me to let it slide.

Found out my sister's boyfriend has a spare ticket to the Flight of the Conchords show in my city. Feel like an idiot for thinking it was free. He wants $50 for it. I can do that but I feel like he won't want to give it to me.

And last night I half-jokingly suggested that my flatmate (S) and our friend H should date last night. H got pissed off at me for suggesting it, and S brought it up today, asking me not to initiate a repeat of last night, and now thinks H sees her as worthless scum.

I feel like crap. So close to burning. I fucking hate myself and I hate my life a lot of the time. Nothing I can do until I get therapy I guess. Keep feeling like I'm gonna do something wrong.

Astraea

So it seems that a very well-known (on the Internet) multiple system has been reading this blog. This makes me happy. They have a sort of celebrity status to me. So woo!

Day 63 to 0?

Feeling triggered because my flatmate is being the exact brand of dickhead that my dad is. I want to cry. I'm not talking. I was very heavily wrong in a comment thread and I feel stupid because I look like a moron. I want to go burn myself. I may just do it if too much more goes wrong. I'm actually shaking, I feel so shitty.



I'm sorry to whine so much. I left all the "support groups" I was in except one and that one isn't fully a support group so I'm wary of posting too much.

Starving

Despite everything I can safely say that I'm doing well. There's no food in the house except for some cheese (which is a kind I don't like) so I haven't eaten anything today. Not a damn thing. AND I've lost 2kg since last week. Woot!

I don't know if I'll eat anything today. Depends on if dinner is something I like, and if my friend returns with Pringles and Milk Shake Toffees. I'll post my intake.

Mood = shot to pieces

Just talking to my flatmates and our mate who's crashing here. Boyfriend is listening to a podcast next to me. Suddenly he goes, "Do I have to go to the room to not have yelling in my ear?"
"Ok. I'll shut up. I'm sorry."

So now I'm not talking so he won't have yelling in his ear. That and I really want to cry because that shit tends to just shoot my self worth to pieces. But it doesn't matter. Just like it doesn't matter that I can *hear his podcast*. He has headphones on but I can hear it. But if I ask him to turn it down? He'll say that he has to have it that loud to drown us out...BUT IT'S DRIVING ME UP THE FUCKING WALL.

Hey look, an actual update

I suppose I should update you lot on what's going on.

Well, I went inworld for ten days two weeks ago. Refused to front and hit rock bottom with my depression. I wanted to self harm, I cried a lot, and I even stopped speaking for four days. I refused to eat as well. My headmates dealt to life for me during that time, but I was forced back out early when my pregnant friend was talking about suicide, and Trent (the headmate who was fronting at the time) went into minor shock and withdrew, forcing me to front and deal with the situation. I couldn't speak for two days. I gained 3kg in a week from my headmates forcing me to eat, which pushed me into the overweight range, which made me worse. Eventually I began speaking again and I'm doing a lot better now, I actually feel like I'm improving. Trent and Leslee started the process of getting counselling sorted, so I'm on my way for that, and David pushed me into going to the doctor to get some antibiotics for my chest infection, which has started me on a mission to get a bunch of health related things done.

I'm now 63 days without self harm. I nearly broke last night, but didn't. I'm getting an orange ribbon tattoo on my scarred wrist when I'm one year clean, but I'm getting this pentacle:





on my shoulder blade relatively soon and a cute tattoo of a sort of "broadcast love" style on my ankle: the Bluetooth symbol with a heart rather than a dot at some point.


What else? Not sure there's much else to say, really. I've started a daily makeup and outfit thing on Facebook, which is here if you're interested.

I think that's it. I'll probably post again soonish.

Cool Story...Bro?

I posted in a group I belong to (of people who basically run around with Nerf guns), telling them that my flatmate was trying to fire a Maverick (a six-shooter revolver style Nerf gun) with his foot.

The first comment was "Cool story...bro?" which received four likes. Turns out, nobody gives a shit about what I have to say. That brought me down even further =/

RAGE

Fuck. I am SO SICK of people not listening to me. It makes me feel invisible and I want to cry.

Posting Again

I can't do anything right. I should keep my mouth shut. Again.

Oh shit

Boyfriend is a gamer. He just got Mass Effect 3, and he's playing it obsessively. Whenever he gets what he calls "new game syndrome", I inevitably get really really depressed and cry a lot. He was playing before, and I wanted to talk to him, so he paused and talked to me for a bit. I hugged him and asked if we could snuggle for a bit (because I needed it), and he went, "But, mission...sometimes I despise your timing."

I got off his chest (I was lying on it) and moved away, telling him to never mind, and he said he loved me and all that but I just feel like crying.

I asked for a hug. He hugged me, which was great, but he used Mass Effect as a joke threat because I bit him. "just for that, I could go back to Mass Effect". I moved his controller away, and he insisted on having it within arm's reach, then when I hugged his leg, he took it as an opportunity to play again. I started crying on his leg and he didn't notice. A friend suggested I kiss him, to see what he did. He kissed me back, and was very happy, and is now gaming again. I feel even worse, but he's happy...so I guess that's what counts.

I'm starting to get eating disordered thoughts though...starting to think "Maybe if I lose weight and look prettier he'll be more inclined to pay attention to me...or at least give me more hugs when he sees I'm starving myself.". I'm so pathetic, starving for attention.

On a brighter note, gonna visit C tomorrow, it's his birthday. And hopefully getting my money bullshit sorted on Wednesday. I better get backpaid, I'm owed $640.95, or will be by the time I see WINZ. And I owe TP (my flatmate) $330.

ED

I just yelled at my pregnant friend to start showing more because I look more pregnant than she does. FML. Triggering. Bliss was giving me hell today. Kept making my stomach really obvious to me, wouldn't let me eat my dinner in peace. Called me "fatass" and forced me to run when it wasn't necessary, then sarcastically congratulated me on doing something even my 2 year old sister can do: run. Kept bothering me by asking what the calorie count in my dinner was, to the point where I had to stop eating it.

This sucks.

Sleep

It's 7:54am here. 1:54pm where D is. Sometime within the next ten hours, he's going to attempt suicide. I can't go to sleep in case he goes through with it and I couldn't save him because I was sleeping. I'll never forgive myself if he dies because I was asleep, he usually messages me at some point. What the fuck do I do? If I go to sleep I might not be able to stop D and G from killing themselves...what if I wake up and they're dead? I don't think I'd ever forgive myself for that.


Two of the admins of the Butterfly Project have offered to keep watch, and I really appreciate that. I don't know if I can sleep. There's more and more suicide in the group, the rates of suicide posts are climbing every day...everyone seems to be falling apart. Would it be really really selfish to leave if I couldn't handle all the suicide, all the pain? If it was threatening to pull me under? I know I help out a lot, but I'm compelled to. I can't not. I'm really close to going under, one death of someone close to me and I'm fucked. I don't mean to take the focus away from the suicide posts. But I'm at the end of my tether, I can't do this much longer. Before I joined TBP I hardly ever SH'd. Now I scratch and hit nearly every day, I was stuck on day 3 for the longest time. Would it be selfish for me to leave? Even if it was just another temporary hiatus like last time?


I don't mean to make this about myself but I'm falling to pieces under the numbness. I'm hurting like hell, and I just want to sleep for a few days or something. If D dies, I don't know what I'll do. I just don't know.

Well

He lived. Again. Managed to talk him down. Numb. Not sure how many more times I can do this.

Untitled

He won't listen to me. I'm trying so hard but he won't listen. He can't die. He can't.

Fuck it

Ok, you know what? I don't care how this sounds. G broke up with D again, I think it's permanent this time. He's going to kill himself. It may sound selfish and shallow, but I can't handle a suicide. I'm trying so hard not to break down and panic because my friend is next to me but fuck! I know where the knife is. I might not last til day 11. I'm so broken already, this may send me over the edge. It's going to be a long night, readers. I'll keep you updated.

Also - self harm

Nine days clean! Woo!

So it's come to my notice that you guys think I'm a cutter. Honest mistake, I did mention cutting in the attention whore post, didn't I?

Ok, so time to set things straight: I'm not a cutter. I've attempted to cut myself twice and failed both times, which is odd, I know. BUT. I don't cut. I scratch myself with my nails and the sharp end of plastic spoons and various other bits of plastic, and I beat my limbs with my fists. I only ever do the latter when I've lost control, however, because I punch really hard and I'm afraid of breaking my arm. I mean, how do I explain a blunt-force breakage at such a weird angle? Yeah, I don't.

Not really trying to stop, not yet. All I'm trying to do this year is wean myself off it to the point where next year I can try to stop. I'm trying to last the month. This month is unofficially Self-Harm Awareness Month, hence why my blog is currently orange.

Anyway, now I've cleared that up, I'm off.

Update

Hey you lot
I know I said I'd go on hiatus, and I have, but I just wanted to let you know, in case you were curious about how he was going, that C has been committed. I think this is good. I mean, he's trans, and this is causing MAJOR depression. Maybe they can bring in his counsellor or something, or maybe he will come out to someone. Maybe. I dunno, the plus side is he can't kill himself. =)

Attention

It's come to my attention that I have been attention whoring and making everything I post about me. For that I deeply apologise, it's something I've been trying to work on. It won't happen again, I'll keep a tighter rein on what I say.

It's been suggested to me that perhaps I shouldn't be writing all this down as a public blog, and you know, maybe that's the case, maybe I shouldn't. I didn't want anyone I know to see this blog, but I don't care if randoms see it.

My boyfriend, my friend H, and C are going to help me get counselling sorted. Maybe then I won't be so fucked up. I dunno. Maybe I'll go on the right meds and things will look up. I don't know. I've no way of knowing.

I'm going to take a hiatus from posting for a few days, I need to wrap my head around the issues that have been presented to me. I'll respond to comments but I'm not going to post.

By the way, D lived. He didn't attempt in the end.

Panic attack...

omg. No. D...

My friend D just broke up with his girlfriend G, now he's going to kill himself...there's nothing I can do, I'm trying to find someone who lives in his area, but nobody is responding.


If he dies I'm pretty likely to cut...I'm likely to grab the small knife I was going to use the other night, sterilise it, and cut. I can't take a death. Especially not a suicide. I want to make it the month but if he dies...

Update

C's alive and I didn't cut...and it seems K reads this. Oops. Better watch what I say =p

Intake today was good, Bliss has been relatively quiet lately, I'm not sure...oh wait, no, I see why...that's funny. Trent (one of my headmates, I did say I'm a multiple) has put tape over her mouth xD. Oh that's funny. She'll remove it eventually but in the meantime this is amusing.

Goddess people are assholes. Some guy just said "I think I should hang myself" as a joke. Wow.

Triggered

Oh shit. I want to cut really fucking badly...and there's a knife so close to me...oh Goddess, no. I keep telling myself "nothing is worth another scar" but what if C dies?

Panicking

omg
no
C
He's going to kill himself
No
I can't lose him
I can't lose anyone else
He's my friend
He's awesome
But...he's so unhappy
I know, but...no, this is horrible
He can't afford help because he won't tell his parents
And they'll never know why he did it
I don't know what to do...with K it was so easy, but C...I don't have ANY contacts for him...
I'm falling...

Blargh

My voice still isn't my own...and I hate it, I hate the voice, I hate the words it says, the way it says them. I HATE IT. Even my singing voice sounds shitty. I'm going to stay clean for the month...but fuck, I want to harm and stay silent for the night. Please, just don't talk to me...don't make me speak aloud, I hate the sound of my voice.

Still anxious

Managed to ignore the urge to purge long enough to go to the toilet, but it's cropping up again. Oh, Goddess, I actually feel like I'm going to throw up. I just wish I could fucking tell someone, but I literally fucking can't.

I'm getting more and more scared as this night goes on, what's wrong with me, why am I deteriorating like this?

Wtf?

I feel really fat at the moment. And anxious as fuck. I need to go to the toilet but I want to purge. I can't purge, I can't, that would be a sign that I'm completely fucked. But oh Goddess I want to so bad...I feel like I'm about to have a panic attack and I'm talking someone down at the same time, why the fuck do I keep doing this?

I need help, and I'm past the point of asking for it.

Going insane, going mad...

I spoke before and I didn't recognise my voice, didn't realise it was me speaking. My voice doesn't register as my own anymore.

And I've been hearing things...whispers, voices. I get urges to self harm for no reason. I've started sleeping through the day, and feeling really antisocial.

What the fuck is happening to me? I'm scared.

Mute

I can't speak...I'm having really big trouble getting the words out...what the hell? I'm shaking and I keep snapping at everyone when they try to IM me...and I'm getting really anxious...what the fuck is happening to me...

Realisation

I will never be happy. Not as long as my friends are damaged, depressed self harmers who refuse to get help. In order to be happy, I will have to sacrifice the friends I've made.


Guess I'll never be happy then.

Courage

Video is related...

Breaking...

Intoxicated eyes, no longer live that life.
You should have learned by now, I'll burn this whole world down.
I need some peace of mind, no fear of what's behind.
You think you've won this fight, you've only lost your mind.

[Chorus:]
You had to have it all,
Well have you had enough?
You greedy little bastard,
You will get what you deserve.
When all is said and done,
I will be the one to leave you in the misery and hate what you've become.

Hold me down (I will live again)
Pull me out (I will break it in)
Hold me down (better in the end)
Hold me down.
--------------------------------------
It's a crime you let it happen to me
Nevermind, I'll let it happen to you
Out of mind, forget it there's nothing to lose
But my mind and all the things I wanted

Everytime I get it I throw it away
It's a sign, I get it, I wanna stay
By the time I lose it I'm not afraid
I'm alive but I can Surely fake it

How can I believe when this cloud hangs over me
You're the part of me that I don't wanna see

Forget it

There's a place I see you follow me
Just a taste of all that might come to be
I'm alone but holding breath you can breathe
To question every answer counted

Just fade away
Please let me stay
Caught in your way

Forget it

Just fade away
Please let me stay
Caught in your way

It's a crime you let it happen to me
Out of mind, I love it, easy to please
Nevermind, forget it, just memories
On a page inside a spiral notebook

Just fade away
Please let me stay
Caught in your way
I can live forever here

Forget it

How can I believe when this cloud hangs over me
You're a part of me that I don't wanna see

I can live forever here




Gah, I don't even know what's up, I just feel...infected.

Kinda...pleased

I wasn't going to eat dinner. I was going to have some Easy Mac and just leave the shepherd's pie...but R called me beautiful. I don't have a crush on her, she's just a friend, but she called me beautiful. This girl is so fucking gorgeous, especially with her hair and makeup the way is now...maybe I will eat dinner.

Stupid!

Shoved my foot in Boyfriend's face, to be playful...he got mad and slapped my leg away. It doesn't hurt, but I'm a bit wounded. I can't believe how STUPID I was to think that was ok! He apologised, but I told him it was my fault. I shouldn't have shoved my foot in his face, especially not while he was gaming. I cried, too. What the fuck? Crying because he got a little angry? Boo fucking hoo!

What the fuck happened to being perfect? Doing that shit isn't perfect. And eating enough food to make your weight increase by 20kg isn't perfect either. I need to get my ass into gear with actually going through with what I've said. Be quieter, eat less, lose weight, wear makeup, never look sloppy or lazy, keep my hair washed, and don't be so irritating. It's fucking easy, so why can't I do it right?

=/

I have a tendency to bite. I just bit my friend with purging disorder (K), and it hurt her...a lot. She cuts, so I was aiming for somewhere away from her wrists, knowing it would really hurt. So I bit her bicep and yeah...now I wanna cry. But I can't tell ANYONE, because I'm FINE. I wanna SH too...and tbh I may just do it.

I had to wait for K to leave the room, so I could blog about this like the whiny bitch I am.

Test...

So I was just scrolling through my post list, when I saw some of them had been viewed (once).

So I want to do a test, to see how many people read my posts. Please leave a comment either here or on another post, if relevant, and just say something, anything, even if it's "I like trains", I wanna see how many readers I have and who they are. I'll even check out your blog and put you on my read list if you're on Blogspot.

Down again

What a rollercoaster day. I'm down again because Sam snapped at me and looked furious because I bit him too hard. My fault, of course, I shouldn't have been biting him in the first place. Not talking. I feel like shit and I'm not allowed to tell anyone...not anymore. I'm invisible, always am when I get like this. Going to tell people I'm fine. They don't need to worry about me, about my shit. Really starting to consider cutting, with a knife of course, blades tug.

I'm ok, though, really. I'm totally fine =D

No more.

This is my new philosophy. All I ever seem to do is bitch, bitch, bitch. It's pathetic. So, starting now, now more bitching in ANY of the groups I belong to. Just here, cause nobody reads this anyway. I'm not going to post about my life unless it's something POSITIVE. Nobody wants to read post after post of me whining about how much my life sucks.

You see my pain is real

Watch my world dissolve

and pretend

Than none of us see the fall

As I turned to sand

You took me by the hand and declared

That love prevails over all.

Perfect

I fucked up. I wasn't perfect. Now I suspect I'll become a scar on her wrist.
I was talking to someone (A) about my friend I mentioned earlier (B, and her girlfriend is D), and I fucked up and hurt her.

I was talking to A about B, without naming names at all, and mentioned that I wasn't to tell D. She got irritated at me and said "Who cares if she 'asked'? Isn't her wellbeing more important?"

I snapped and told her "Don't you dare accuse me of not caring about her."

"I didn't. That's not what I said."
"It's what you implied."

"No it wasn't...but w/e."

Then she unfriended me and posted in a group we both belong to on fb, which she only rejoined today:

"Changed my mind, guys. Sorreh. 2 hours here and I'm already getting the same useless feeling. Maybe some day soon. :) ♥ you all!! Mwah!!"

Our mutual friend, T, checked on her. She said she was ok, but T has his doubts, and I feel terrible. I've apologised, but I don't expect forgiveness.

Help...

I feel mute. A friend is developing bulimia and I can't stop her. She asked me not to tell her girlfriend and I'm now bound to not tell. Stupid fucking social anxiety. She's getting angry with me for trying to help, really angry, and I want to start screaming at her but she lives in the US. I want to hit myself, scratch myself, bite myself, but I can't, I have to stay clean for six and a half more hours. I need help so badly. I have to do something...but I can't...help me, please, I don't know what to do!

Relaaaaaaaax

I have a bunch of people forming a team in the Butterfly Project, which is taking a LOT of stress off me. Yay!

I went over my calorie limit again, but with a little luck I'll get some exercise in tomorrow.

I feel like nothing today, nobody. The worthless, inadequate mistake of a daughter who ruins days by being around. Not sure why, but I'm just feeling completely unwanted, except by Sam. Even though I realised just how many people care about me today, I still feel worthless. It sucks. I'm staying clean today, though, because it's self injury awareness day.

Fanfuckingtastic

So. It seems I have a savior complex. Yet another thing to add to my growing list.

• Depression
• Possible Schizophrenia
• Social Anxiety
• Savior Complex
• Attention Seeking
• ED-NOS
• Possible Cyclothymia
• Dyspraxia
• Dysgraphia

I'm a psychological mess, and it's only getting worse.

Here's a copypasted article about Savior Complexes:

Here’s a fairytale gone badly, as it sometimes happens in real life: There was once a little girl who believed that all good things will come to her if she is really nice and always helps other people.

She was always there for her aging parents; she even refused a dream job because it was in another town and she didn’t want to move too far from her parents. She would always help her friends, lend them money, give them advice and get them out of trouble.

Her colleagues at work could always rely on her and she would often get behind on her projects to give them a hand with theirs. She also had this affinity towards guys with serious problems (jobless, alcohol abusing, emotionally imbalanced), the kind of guys that desperately needed help.

After about ten years of doing this, she felt miserably. She wasn’t getting the love, appreciation and recognition she wanted, most people had started taking all her help for granted, her life did not look the way she’d hoped it would.

When I discussed with her in our first communication coaching session, focused on identifying the key people skills to improve, after about 15 minutes of conversation, bells started ringing in my head going: “Savior complex full throttle!”

What Is The Savior Complex?

The savior complex is a psychological construct which makes a person feel the need to save other people. This person has a strong tendency to seek people who desperately need help and to assist them, often sacrificing their own needs for these people.

There are many sides to a savior complex and it has many roots. One of its fundamental roots, in my experience, consists in a limiting belief the savior person has that goes something like this:

“If I always help people in need, I will get their love and approval, and have a happy life.”

This is of course, a nice sounding fairytale.

Houston We Have a Problem

Often, in real life, a savior will have such an unassertive way of helping others that instead of becoming grateful, they get used to it and they expect it. They feel entitled to receive help from this person, simply because they need it and they’ve always got it.

On top of this, always putting other people’s needs first makes a savior not take care of their own needs. So while they may feel happy because they are helping others, at some level, they feel bitter and frustrated at the same time.

Reframing Nobility

Here’s where things get worse: many people with a savior complex I’ve met, although they realize at some point that they have a savior complex and it is not worth it for them, they will not try to combat it.

They’re not masochistic; they have another belief that even if being a savior will not get them the recognition they want and will not make them happy, it is the noble thing to do. They believe they are somehow better then others because they help people all the time without getting anything back.

Do you have any idea how dim-witted this is? There is nothing noble in sacrificing yourself for others while you are starving at a psychological level. If our ancestors would have willingly done so 50.000 years ago, our species would be extinct.

If you think you have a savior complex or at least something close to it, I believe the best thing you can do is to face up to the practical consequences in has in your life. Being a savior is neither noble nor practical.

Learn to give and to ask for what you want, to help and to be helped. This is the healthy way to use your people skills and to interact with others.

[From http://www.peopleskillsdecoded.com/savior-complex/]

So yeah. I don't believe I'm better. I believe I'm unimportant and worthless. Other than that? Yeah. All of it. Fucking hell I need help.