Sleep

It's 7:54am here. 1:54pm where D is. Sometime within the next ten hours, he's going to attempt suicide. I can't go to sleep in case he goes through with it and I couldn't save him because I was sleeping. I'll never forgive myself if he dies because I was asleep, he usually messages me at some point. What the fuck do I do? If I go to sleep I might not be able to stop D and G from killing themselves...what if I wake up and they're dead? I don't think I'd ever forgive myself for that.


Two of the admins of the Butterfly Project have offered to keep watch, and I really appreciate that. I don't know if I can sleep. There's more and more suicide in the group, the rates of suicide posts are climbing every day...everyone seems to be falling apart. Would it be really really selfish to leave if I couldn't handle all the suicide, all the pain? If it was threatening to pull me under? I know I help out a lot, but I'm compelled to. I can't not. I'm really close to going under, one death of someone close to me and I'm fucked. I don't mean to take the focus away from the suicide posts. But I'm at the end of my tether, I can't do this much longer. Before I joined TBP I hardly ever SH'd. Now I scratch and hit nearly every day, I was stuck on day 3 for the longest time. Would it be selfish for me to leave? Even if it was just another temporary hiatus like last time?


I don't mean to make this about myself but I'm falling to pieces under the numbness. I'm hurting like hell, and I just want to sleep for a few days or something. If D dies, I don't know what I'll do. I just don't know.