Disappear?

Everyone is falling apart around me, everything is crumbling. Is it my fault? Maybe I should go...not suicide, but just go away, distance myself, stop causing trouble, I can't be helping with the breakdowns, with the collapsing of everyone's integrity, I refuse to believe I have nothing to do with such strong, beautiful people dying inside, killing themselves slowly but surely. Even the "happy" ones have eating disorders and fuck knows what other problems. I really think I should just disappear, it would be better for everyone.


On another note, I failed miserably today. I had:

300mL Up & Go @ 228cal

1 large tin Pringles @ 591cal
1 packet 2 minute noodles, uncooked, no stock @ 342cal
1 packet Milk Shake toffees @ 798cal
But I exercised for 70 minutes, which burned 217cal.


Went so far over my calorie limit today, and Bliss has been riding my ass, whispering harsh truths in my ear. A very good friend is becoming bulimic and I'm powerless to stop her, especially when I'm letting myself fall so far into my own ED. Day 3 but might not be for long. Bliss told me I'd probably go off the scale if I tried to weigh myself, that Sam secretly wishes I was beautiful, that he calls me beautiful to try and make himself believe it, and that maybe I should go eat a steak because you are what you eat.


ugh, I'm paranoid that my friend sitting next to me will see this, she can't know how fucked up I am. I'm fine, really, but she'll freak out, she'll tell me that what Bliss said isn't true. But it is. She can't see this, nobody I know can see this. Nobody will ever see it, it will die with me.