Pieces of Me

I recently decided to make a Butterfly Project group, because the one I joined was deleted by the asshole head admin. I'm NOT an admin, I'm a mod, I just run quality control and weed out the things like reposts, trolls, and inappropriate/triggering posts. But whenever someone needs help, I feel like I have to help them out. Seeing the posts makes me feel like I have to, even though it'll take a piece of myself to do it - and I can't help but think that it'll go to waste. I have no more to give, and the pieces of myself that go to some of these people get left behind and forgotten after a couple hours, they cease to mean anything.

I honestly thought I was over this saviour complex bullshit, but apparently not. I can't save these people. I can't even get up some days. I hate how obligated I feel. I don't know what to do, it hurts to ignore them. I'm still not self harming but damn I'm close to a relapse. I want to see the cuts and scars, I see them as beautiful for some warped reason. I want my arms to be striped with these scars, so my outside can match my inside. My arms would be so fucking beautiful with the scars. But I know I can't, I can't do that to everyone else. When I see pictures of people with scars, they're beautiful to me, but I'm disgusted by the gaping wounds, and I know I'd get to that point quickly. I'm sick. I'm fucking sick, and I know it, and I can't stop it. I need help :/

Savior

Back to sacrificing myself for others. Why does this feel like home? No more putting myself first, no more being selfish and ignoring posts and cries for help. I will comment and I will do my best to help everyone, no matter what. I don't matter nearly as much as them and if by ignoring myself I save someone's life, then it's a fair trade-off.

I want to cry.

Boyfriend: How are you?
Me: Hungry. Twiiiiiistiiiiieeees :D
Boyfriend: No. With the pre-release this weekend I can't spare the money.


Apparently a fucking Magic: the Gathering event is more important than me. And now he's in a shitty mood and it's my fucking fault. He got really angry with me because I was teasing him by swinging his headphones back and forth where he couldn't get them, earlier. Yay.

I feel like a child. In a bad way.

I just tried to convince my friend to stop resisting food like she is. She's hungry and there's leftover pizza but she's avoiding it. I told her she isn't to follow my example, that I wouldn't let her, and she laughed at me and said, "Won't let me? Do you plan to come into my room and tie me up? Sorry, it's just the way you said 'won't let' me. I have an excuse for this. I'm 90 kilos"

"Following my example will only end in you developing an eating disorder, and you're probably fucking borderline as it is!"

Another laugh. "What?"

"If you make one more fucking comment about your weight..."

"Well it's true!"

"I don't care! Just because I'm stuck in this doesn't mean you have to be."

Her only response was to look at me kind of strangely, almost pityingly too.

I feel like a child, like I'm being patronised and laughed at for saying something silly, but I'm genuinely worried. She's had days where she skips dinner because she can't face logging it on myfitnesspal. Not in ages but still. I don't want to make this seem bigger than it is but I'm concerned and pissed off because I hate being laughed at. I'm really triggered as well :/ She apologised, and I think she meant it (for depressing me at least) but I don't think this is going to change...help, I really don't want her to follow me, I'm a bad bad example.

Never Again

Well! I feel like shit. Yay for being laughed at. I'm never ever doing that again because the responses I got were quite frankly immature. I will not, for any reason, go skinny dipping in public. I am not at all comfortable with that. I will also not eat dog shit or run around naked. I was hoping for slightly silly, maybe interesting ideas, but instead I get told to expose myself in a way I'm entirely uncomfortable with, and risk my health, all because of some likes. And to make matters worse, when I said I wasn't going to skinny dip, I was told, "10 likes and you have to." Well, actually, no. No, I don't. Hence I'm not putting that up again until I can see that people have grown up. But if what Michael said is anything to go by, that'll never happen and I'm a fool for waiting for it. I already knew I was a fool though, I'm well aware of my lack of intelligence. Sigh. This sucks.

Numbly Infuriated

on my Facebook today, I saw a post from one friend to another. The initials thing I used to do gets confusing so let's call these friends Cassie and Alana. Now, another friend of ours, Acacia, has been in an abusive relationship in which she was the victim with a guy named Ethan. Ethan is nasty to her. Manipulative, controlling, insulting, and he has been known to lose his temper and lash out at her, threaten her. He threatened to push my pregnant friend down the stairs awhile ago.

Today, something happened and Acacia told Cassie to tell Alana that she could kill Ethan. I value life way too much to let that happen, and have told Alana several times that I don't want her killing people. Maimed, yes. Infertile, yes. Crippled, at a stretch. But not killing. She came in and said nobody could stop her after what he'd done to her. I got angry and punched the chair and bashed the keyboard and told her that fine, she could do whatever she wanted, go kill somebody, play God, whatever. She then apologised to me and said she wouldn't hurt him that bad, I said "Just please don't kill him."
she got annoyed and informed me that she wasn't going to take this lightly. We agreed on that.

I was FURIOUS when this happened and actually ended up in tears and now I'm just tired and numb. I hope she keeps her word.


On another somewhat related note I really feel like cutting, and I have never cut. This sucks. Doesn't help I know where a nice clean sharp knife is. I hope I don't break. I'll do my best.

Caffeine

Why does my caffeine addiction get worse when I'm depressed? Why do I crave more of it?